Does This Post Make my Blog Look Fat?

• Girl wearing tiny, skin-colored shorts + peripheral vision = double-take.

 Try not to wear shorts that exactly match your skin color, or else images of pantslessness are conjured in my brain.

Also, get some bigger shorts. Come on now.

This is actually kind of depressing... Irony?

• I don’t know how I manage to so frequently be the only one who shows up to a cancelled class, but walking into an empty classroom when you’re afraid of being late is always disorienting.

“Gottahurrygottahurrygottahurr– s***, am I in the right roo– what time is–where’s my class sched–Ohhhhhhh……”

• 80% of the use I get out of my phone is pretending to text in order to avoid eye contact or awkward situations.  The remainder of its use is 10% obsessively checking the time, 8% actually texting, and the last 2% is making a call when I’m too lazy to text.
• Note to self: Girlfriend > Minecraft….

• I can hear you mouth breathing from across the computer lab, that must be some intense anime you’re watching there. And the most undesirable person in the computer lab award goes to…

Okay, that’s not fair, you’re not making a ton of noise, so props for that.  You’re just insanely creepy.

• Just because you’re tall enough to see over the partitions in the shower stalls doesn’t mean you should.
• Sunburned fat guy with a farmer’s tan and a sleeveless shirt riding a longboard, LOL @ your appearance.
• So if someone is walking behind me and I push the handicapped button for them, is that the same as holding the door open? I think so. Work smarter, not harder.

If I have to explain this, just forget you saw it.

• It’s kind of poetic that the day before my huge terrifying Honors Macroeconomics exam in Abnormal Psychology we’re studying suicide and depression.  Hopefully we go over treatment methods, because I am going to need them.
• That was in poor taste. But STILL, wish me luck. :)

-Andrew

P.S. If you have any suggestions or things you’d like me to write about PLEASE let me know, and if they don’t suck I’ll write about them.  Maybe.

Letter to the Person Sitting in Front of Me in Class

Dear Person Who Sits/Sat in Front of Me in that Class This Semester/That One Semester,

I don’t mean to sound rude, but as a bit of friendly advice, if you have more bacne than back, you might consider wearing fewer open-backed shirts.

I’m sure you’re thirsty, but mining for that last little bit of Diet Coke with your straw in the ice at the bottom of your styrofoam cup isn’t going to help.  Also, I’m about to punch you in the face. I’m in class, and that’s unbelievably distracting.

Quit oozing through the seat-back into my leg space, you squishy person you.  As much as I enjoy unintentionally kneading your muffin top with my knees, I need personal space.

Try Head and Shoulders, I feel like in a blizzard.

Pigtails work too, were you never in 2nd grade?

Your long, flowing hair is beautiful, sure, but when I’m trying to take notes and my desk is covered in long, flowing hair I don’t appreciate it so much.  Ponytail that shiz, or I’m bringing scissors to class.

I’m happy you’ve got such good posture, boo scoliosis and all, but you’re like freaking 8 feet tall, I can’t see anything.

You’ve got Happy Feet, sure; I know there’s an unstoppable rhythm inside your heart, fine; but stop with the foot tapping, or I’m going to have a nervous breakdown and stab you in the neck with my pencil.

Surely surely SURELY you can go 50 minutes without that bag of Gardettos.

Wear deodorant, thanks much. :)

With love,

-Andrew, (that guy who sits behind you in that one class)

And by “love” I mean creepy, unreasonable rage.

P.S. I hope I didn’t offend anyone today, but if I did, no offense.

P.P.S. It’s been far too long, dear reader, and for that I offer the sincerest of apologies.