Tag Archive: college


Whether they stem from Hollywood or yesteryear, people have a lot of misconceptions about college.  And, as people are wont to do, they like to talk about it.   It’s not funny.  In order to help stop you from becoming one of these people (the annoying ones), I’ve created a guide.   Or rather a list of things that annoy me about college, what people think about it, and what it’s actually like to be a college student.  If you’re lucky enough to be attending a university, or have attended one in the past, hopefully you’ll take this to heart.

College college college.  God. People say college too much, there’s one.

I’m studying allll the tiiiiime.

Are you really? Why is it that when kids get to college “homework” is referred to as studying.  I understand that actual studying goes on, but in college any activity that’s school related and not in class becomes studying. Maybe it will make your grandparents proud if you call it studying, but people study from leather-bound books in musty halls steeped in knowledge. Just because you’re doing it in the Library doesn’t mean you’re studying either, you.  You’re just doing homework in the library.  Also, that essay you’re plagiarizing from Wikipedia is now a paper? That “test”an exam?

On the topic of actual studying (without the sarcastic italics), having your book open while you watch Oxygen/TLC is not actually studying.

I MUST buy a shitload of Ramen noodles, because you know, college.

Eating Ramen isn’t some wacky novelty required for college kids.  Sure it’s cheap, you’re still not quirky, funny or original.  You probably have a 1300 dollar meal plan anyway.

Wearing your college ID card around your neck.

Don’t do it, this isn’t science camp.

I stole this from somewhere, so credit to whoever.

BEER!!!1!

Can you say Freshman 35?

Class is optional! :D

Have fun with that 2.0 GPA.

Some unsolicited advice? Showing up is the most important part of doing well in college, that nap/video game is not worth it.  Also, do you have any idea how much each class costs? A lot, so don’t waste it.

I have my OWN space to do whatever I want with.

Nice Beatles poster.

It’s so different from High School.

Then why do you wear a high school shirt every day? Okay that’s irrelevant, but you look like a dork,  and you should have some pride in the school you’re attending.  Anyway, College is the same shite as high school, just with more junk food and free time to waste.

Animal House!!!!

Yeah no. Decent movie, but no. That’s all I have to say about that.

College is a leftist stronghold, where the liberal, intellectual elite brainwash our nation’s (middle to upper-class) youth.

If by liberal, intellectual elite you mean the most educated citizens in America, who spend their lives in the pursuit of knowledge, science, art and learning, and by brainwash you mean teach, then yeah that’s what goes on.  There’s a reason the nation’s most educated tend to vote on the left, because their actions are based on rational thought and empirical observation, rather than emotion, fear, discrimination and self interest.

Whew, I’ll stop now.

Anybody got a pen?

Why is it that everybody in college thinks they need to use a pen? Are you now so advanced in your academic ability that you don’t make mistakes?

Formerly freshman,

-Andrew

  • Girl wearing tiny, skin-colored shorts + peripheral vision = double-take.

 Try not to wear shorts that exactly match your skin color, or else images of pantslessness are conjured in my brain.

Also, get some bigger shorts. Come on now.

This is actually kind of depressing... Irony?

  • I don’t know how I manage to so frequently be the only one who shows up to a cancelled class, but walking into an empty classroom when you’re afraid of being late is always disorienting.

“Gottahurrygottahurrygottahurr– s***, am I in the right roo– what time is–where’s my class sched–Ohhhhhhh……”

  • 80% of the use I get out of my phone is pretending to text in order to avoid eye contact or awkward situations.  The remainder of its use is 10% obsessively checking the time, 8% actually texting, and the last 2% is making a call when I’m too lazy to text.
  • Note to self: Girlfriend > Minecraft….
  • I can hear you mouth breathing from across the computer lab, that must be some intense anime you’re watching there. And the most undesirable person in the computer lab award goes to…

Okay, that’s not fair, you’re not making a ton of noise, so props for that.  You’re just insanely creepy.

  • Just because you’re tall enough to see over the partitions in the shower stalls doesn’t mean you should.
  • Sunburned fat guy with a farmer’s tan and a sleeveless shirt riding a longboard, LOL @ your appearance.
  • So if someone is walking behind me and I push the handicapped button for them, is that the same as holding the door open? I think so. Work smarter, not harder.

If I have to explain this, just forget you saw it.

  • It’s kind of poetic that the day before my huge terrifying Honors Macroeconomics exam in Abnormal Psychology we’re studying suicide and depression.  Hopefully we go over treatment methods, because I am going to need them.
  • That was in poor taste. But STILL, wish me luck. :)
-Andrew

P.S. If you have any suggestions or things you’d like me to write about PLEASE let me know, and if they don’t suck I’ll write about them.  Maybe.

Dear Person Who Sits/Sat in Front of Me in that Class This Semester/That One Semester,

I don’t mean to sound rude, but as a bit of friendly advice, if you have more bacne than back, you might consider wearing fewer open-backed shirts.

I’m sure you’re thirsty, but mining for that last little bit of Diet Coke with your straw in the ice at the bottom of your styrofoam cup isn’t going to help.  Also, I’m about to punch you in the face. I’m in class, and that’s unbelievably distracting.

Quit oozing through the seat-back into my leg space, you squishy person you.  As much as I enjoy unintentionally kneading your muffin top with my knees, I need personal space.

Try Head and Shoulders, I feel like in a blizzard.

Pigtails work too, were you never in 2nd grade?

Your long, flowing hair is beautiful, sure, but when I’m trying to take notes and my desk is covered in long, flowing hair I don’t appreciate it so much.  Ponytail that shiz, or I’m bringing scissors to class.

I’m happy you’ve got such good posture, boo scoliosis and all, but you’re like freaking 8 feet tall, I can’t see anything.

You’ve got Happy Feet, sure; I know there’s an unstoppable rhythm inside your heart, fine; but stop with the foot tapping, or I’m going to have a nervous breakdown and stab you in the neck with my pencil.

Surely surely SURELY you can go 50 minutes without that bag of Gardettos.

Wear deodorant, thanks much. :)

With love,

-Andrew, (that guy who sits behind you in that one class)

And by “love” I mean creepy, unreasonable rage.

P.S. I hope I didn’t offend anyone today, but if I did, no offense.

P.P.S. It’s been far too long, dear reader, and for that I offer the sincerest of apologies.

I suppose these aren’t really volumes per se, rather a short collection of semi-coherent thoughts on a similar subject,

but I digress.

(The following was written yesterday, but the “publish” button was mysteriously unclicked…. oops. The parenthesis’d words were added today) An unprecedented two posts in two days! Wow, yay me, right? Anyone remember the last time I posted twice in two days? Yeah neither do I, I think it was February-ish.  Back when blogging filled me with a childlike sense of wonderment and imagination.

So anyway, today is part two of (the day before) yesterday’s post. Actually it’s mostly the stuff I was going to write (the day before) yesterday, but either A. It got washed off my hand where I had scribbled it to remember it, or B. It didn’t make it onto my hand in the first place. My writing process is pretty state of the art.

Moving on…

-You know when you’re following someone up a fairly tall and steep flight of stairs, and your climbing pace is just such that their ass is directly in front of your face for the entire climb? Yeah I hate that.

-I was driving on an errand at work today, and this larger woman on a bicycle was bicycling along in front of me towards the side of the road.  Normally that would have been fine.  That was her right as a bicyclist, and obesity is frequently beyond the control of the obese. It’s like a disease, I get that. Okay. BUT, it wasn’t fine.

For one, because of the ill-fitting nature of her sweatpants, half of her ass was out, and the physics of being on a bike seat did not help the image burned forever onto my retinas.  Secondly, because she was so large, I couldn’t really get around her, for fear of hitting the oncoming traffic.  Finally, she was pedaling in a comically low gear, so that no matter how fast her substantial legs pedaled, she might as well have been on a stationary bike.

I’m sorry, but that just doesn’t work for me.

-I never thought I’d say it, but skateboards are now just hipster longboards.  The fixed-gear bike of the boarding world if you will.

-Have you ever seen someone who looks really good from one angle, but really freaky from every other?

Just don’t turn your head, I’ll use my imagination.

-Dear Guy in Adjacent Shower Stall Who Shot Several Snot Rockets Whilst Showering,

YOU ARE A DISGUSTING, UNLOVABLE MONSTER.

Sincerely,

-Andrew

I’m in college.  I walk to class.  There are lots of other people who do the same.  The following are some observations from my walks to and from class today.

-Do you ever accidentally say something you’re thinking out loud? Today these two girls were walking obnoxiously slowly in front of me, and I accidentally said “Jesus Christ…..” under my breath as I passed by. Apparently it was audible because they only moved out of my way after a very sassy apology.

-So I was Facebook creeping on someone today, someone who I’ve never spoken to in any venue, digital or flesh.  Humorously, the only conclusion I could draw about this person after looking at every single one of his/her profile pictures was,  “What a f******g weirdo.” I realize I’m a horrible person, we’ve acknowledged that, but some people just don’t have a single redeeming value, and thus can only be described as a f******g weirdo. (Don’t worry though, if you’re reading this, you have a redeeming value.) Don’t get me wrong, weirdness can be a good thing, but when it’s not at all funny or entertaining, and utterly unexplainable, that’s when it crosses into the realm of undesirable.

[This is where the picture would go if I hadn’t been too lazy to find one.]

-That awkward moment when you’re walking at a pace that’s just slightly faster than the person in front of you, they’re swinging their arms as they walk, and all of a sudden as you move to pass them they swing their arm a little too far and there is a brief moment of hand-to-junk contact with a stranger.  Yeah that’s always uncomfortable.

-I have never understood the Fraternity and Sorority system, the different letters and such.  Apart from an apparent surplus of doucheassery and pastel, it’s all Greek to me. *rimshot*

Sorry bro, that was an over-generalization for comedic purposes, don’t get your pink, flat front shorts in a twist (you fashionista you). Besides, how fun is the word “doucheassery”??

-Man, I hate it when someone is texting and walking right in front of you when you’re late to class, and they somehow predict your passing maneuvers and block you at every attempt.

-See someone you recognize walking to class, half-assedly say their name.  30 steps later realize that’s not their name.

Socially awkward sophomore,

-Andrew

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