Archive for February, 2011


Miss me? Two whole days without a post, I feel guilty. I didn’t break my streak without reason however.  On Saturday I helped out in a  production assistant role on an independent film from before 6 am to 8:30 pm.  I will admit that a couple hours of that was transit time to and from the set, located somewhere in between nowhere and Cushing, Oklahoma.  Every country road looks about the same in the dark, and I have never been so happy to see the words “Welcome to Stillwater” in my life.

The movie is a really neat project by a local guy who’s always dreamed of being a director, and you can check it out at the movie’s blog, leftofcentermovie.wordpress.com (I guess this link doesn’t work, just paste it into your address bar if you want to see it.)

The strangest thing about my two day absence from the blogosphere is that my views actually went up.  More people read my blog on the days I didn’t post anything than on the preceding day on which I posted.  I don’t know if you’re trying to tell me I shouldn’t post anymore, or you just were so concerned about my lack of post that you checked my site for it numerous times.

This is getting a bit too diary-esque; on to the nonsense.

Mcdonald’s new slogan I heard on the radio: “the simple joy of Angus”. Whoa there, McDonalds, you’re one letter away from something I do not want to think about while I’m eating a hamburger.

Girls, I think you’re prettiest without makeup, because I like you for you, not for the picture you paint of yourself. Any guy who’s worth your time feels the same way.

Save recyclable bottles apart from trash for months, go to recycle center, bin is full.  Sheepishly put bottles in trash.

I work out three times a week to give my narcissism a base in reality. (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/narcissism)

Every open container of colored soda is implanted with a sensor that detects nearby electronics and stainable materials.  When that open container is sensed to be within optimal spilling distance from an electronic device or stainable material it’s stability is exponentially decreased.  The only thing I can do to fight it is wear more Dr. Pepper colored clothing and never drink and blog.

I’m not disobeying your traffic laws out of spite, Government; I just respectfully disagree with your placement of that stop sign.

And I am like the pied piper of awkward situations. (I made this picture btw, yay me.)

One thousand and forty-nine served,

-Andrew

P.S. If you like what you read here, tell your friends! I like the attention. (Refreshingly honest, no?)

P.P.S I’m not quite that much of an attention whore, but if you like it, why not let other people enjoy it too? :)

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Overpopulation is a serious problem in the world today, and if we continue at the current rate of population growth, in1300 years we will literally have breathed all the Atmospheric oxygen away.  I don’t know about you, but I plan on living forever, and a complete lack of oxygen will make that somewhat difficult.  It is for that reason that I have unsarcastically concluded that we better live it up while we can before the oxygen goes away! What’s more fun than making babies right? SECKS, YEAH!

I’m on thin political ice here I realize, but I wrote this without divulging my beliefs (I need the readership from both sides :P). So don’t get your panties in a wad before you read it.  Panties is such an awkward word…

ANYWHO

(In no particular order)

1.) Be Ugly.

Uniquely Good Looking…. You. UGLY, you aint got no alibi. Or unwanted pregnancies, woot!  I mean, you are special, and members of the opposite love special people.  *cough*

2.) Eat lots of garlic.

Everyone loves garlic, duh.  You might not get any vampire sex though. SAD FACE. –> :'(

3.) Play video games.

Lots of video games. Ladies love guys with skills, and killer instinct.  CoD for life.

4.) Blog.

I’m not trying to say anything here, ladies love blogs…..It’s just ah,  time consuming. Yeah.  This works for sure…. MOVING ON.

5.) Show em what you got.

Nothing says confidence like showing your junk to total strangers.  Also, there’s a good chance you’ll be arrested.  Everyone knows that makes you 100 times more attractive and dangerous looking.

6.) Never leave your dorm room.

Be that sexy mysterious guy doing sexy and mysterious things alone in your dorm room.

*Sigh*,

-Andrew

P.S.  6 rounds up to 10, and I’m in a hurry.  I’ll probably start posting every other day… Every day is exhausting, and the quality diminishes dramatically, as evidenced by today’s entry…. Happy Weekend all!

Rain stops so you go outside.  Walk under tree, get rained on.

Go to pass someone walking slightly slower than you on the sidewalk, they speed up to match your pace.  Awkward eye contact as you walk side-by-side for a few steps.

See puddle on sidewalk, doesn’t look too deep.  Don’t avoid, just roll step through it.  Wet socks for the rest of the day.

Ride bike through grass on rainy day, get mud all over back and legs.

Put on hood of rain jacket, look like dork.  Take off hood, head gets wet.

Laying in bed reading and listening to Andrew Bird all morning on a rainy day? Priceless.  For everything else there’s FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Yeah not gonna lie I spent most of my allotted blogging time today making this picture.

My feet are wet,

-Andrew

Weather this nice turns me into a sap.

Today was unquestionably one of the most beautiful days I have ever experienced. A bag of skittles in each pocket and my favorite music in my ears, I didn’t walk to class, I meandered.   Past and future surrendered to the moment, and nothing seemed to matter except the sun, the breeze, and the ground beneath my feet.  Days like today make me wish I could stop the clock, put in my headphones, don my sunglasses, start walking, and never stop.

Warm and fuzzily yours,

-Andrew

P.S. This is the soundtrack to my aimless wandering today. 

There are a lot of abbreviations floating around in the internets, but what exactly do they mean?  Well I’m not exactly sure, but the following are some overgeneralized translations for when I use this internet slang.

lol

Hahahaha, drowning is funny. I smiled at this, and probably would have ironically typed "lol"

Officially an acronym for “laugh out loud,” I’m not actually laughing out loud when I type lol. At best it’s a smirk.   If I type LOL in caps, then maybe I chuckled silently.  Basically lol is just a placeholder, used to set a general tone of silliness, so as to not sound like an unfeeling robot of a person.  It can also be used to evoke sympathy, as it ironically juxtaposes with some misery that has befallen me (ex. Me- “lol, I have no friends”  Other person- “Aww, you poor thing!”)

Side note: “Lawl” is just a phonetic pronunciation of “lol.”  Lawl is used if someone feels they use lol too often. It can also be used to denote a sarcastic, probably hurtful lack of lol-ing at your joke.

brb

I’m either using the restroom, stuffing my face, or avoiding an awkward conversation topic.

:P

Denotes a silly or playful tone.  Woefully overused by myself.  No one actually sticks their tongue out like that at the end of a sentence.

-gtg

With explanation= I have to go do [this]. (ex. I gtg eat dinner!)

without explanation= I’m bored and leaving. (ex. I gtg.)

Uh, this is embarrassing… After starting this post I realized I had tons of homework for my Intro to Lit class, and now I have to go to work so I can’t really finish it…. Unless you want a rousing summary of Herman Melville’s Bartleby the Scrivner, this’ll have to be it for today.  Let’s be honest though, it wasn’t really going anywhere anyway, was it? I feel like could have done more with the topic, I was trying too hard.  Maybe I’ll finish it another day.

::Spoiler Alert!!:: (I probably won’t finish it another day.)

Semi-productively (for a change) yours,

-Andrew

Every genius with fingers and internet access has had a Facebook status about how Facebook has kept them from doing their homework or some other incredibly important task.  I’m no exception, so don’t get your knickers in a twist. I’m sick of those statuses.  However, there are two sides to every cyber coin, and even the most negative aspects of Facebook can have positive functions.  That being said, I’m also sick of hearing how Facebook has defined our generation.  Sure it fuels revolutions and high school drama but that could have been accomplished just as well with AIM, e-mail, or Myspace.   Basically, I use Facebook a lot, it’s great, but shut up about it.  *Enter blog post about Facebook*

This one goes out to all my Facebook friends, most of which I’ve never actually talked to and probably never will.

1.) Facebook Creeping.

Improved my life: S***, she has a boyfriend.

Ruined my life: *Clicks on 100th vacation photo posted by that girl who sat 3 seats behind me in one of my classes freshman year*

*Head explodes*

2.) Facebook Chat.

Improved my life: Hey there, person I’m too scared to talk to in real life. ;)

Ruined my life: I accidentally say “lol” in actual conversations.

3.) Facebook Statuses.

Improved my life: I’m a cyber attention whore.  Hence: BLOG.

I had no idea what to put for a picture on this one. This is, ah, hilarious...

Ruined my life: I forgot I was Facebook friends with my mom.

Also, don’t Facebook about your bowel movements. Ew.

4.) Facebook Messages.

Improved my life: Less scary than Facebook Chat and talking in person.  You can take as long as you want to respond, and you can send the same message to 10 people at once.

Ruined my life: They have to be prefaced with “I swear I’m not a creeper but….”  Also event messages to events you don’t have the stones to click “not attending” on because you don’t want to look like a douche.

5.) Facebook Events.

Improved my life: “Hey friends, come do this fun activity with me! :D” and “Hey! I got invited to something, they do care about me! :D”

Ruined my life: “Attending” = maybe attending, “Maybe attending” = not coming,  and “Not attending” = F*** you, I’m too cool for your event.

6.) Facebook Mobile.

Improved my life: I’m updating my status from somewhere way cooler than where you are.  (I’m not, I’m actually at my computer in a dark dorm room)

Ruined my life: Group messages.  I’m glad you’re stoked about this club, but could you have your conversation about it somewhere other than my cell phone?

7.) Facebook.

Improved my life: It helps to stave off the crushing weight of loneliness.  I’m also an attention whore. I mean I’m just a witty dude with a lot to share with the world.

Ruined my life: Staring at the home page is much more interesting than just about anything academic.  My friends are way cooler than me.

 

I wrote this while on Facebook,

-Andrew

P.S. If you’re reading this and am Facebook friends with me, chat me sometime, it’ll only be slightly weird at first.  If I immediately go offline don’t take it personally, I probably have something more interesting to do.

If you’ve ever met me or read my blog before you’ve probably figured out that I’m kind of a strange person. 100% true.  Thus, unsurprisingly, a lot of strange things weird me out.  I’m not a horrible person I swear.

[Coming soon! An Incomplete List of Things That Annoy The Hell Out of Me]

-Girls with long hair riding old fashioned bikes.

Hair flowing in the wind, gliding across the sidewalk on those large bikes from the 40’s.  It looks weird… impossible to pull off without looking pompous, yet incredibly graceful.  Can’t really put why this is weird to me into words.

-People eating or drinking around me when I’m not eating.

*chew, chew,chew,chew* *swallow* Blech.  This doesn’t so much weird me out as much as it annoys the hell out of me.  But it is weird. Keep that in mind, you.

-Unibrows.

I know it’s a cultural thing but…. really, invest in a razor. NOT attractive.

-Plumber’s crack.

Not even the sexiest of people can pull it off.  Keep your ass in your pants.

-People who talk to me in the bathroom.

Don’t do it, just don’t.  A bathroom should be a place of solitude. That applies to you, guy in the adjacent shower stall.  I don’t care how badly you need to borrow soap, weird.

-80’s/early 90’s synth music.

Like the theme to Seinfeld or anything on PBS in the early 90’s. Or that space music from the late 80’s.  Gives me the willies.

-Enya.

They used to play Enya at daycare for naptime, I hated naptime.

-Canadian accents.

There’s just something not quite right aboot them.

-Prolonged eye contact.

I think that may mean I’m slightly autistic…

-Excessively old people.

I have nothing against them, I just am afraid they’ll break or like die around me.

-Also babies, but that’s really similar to old people.  They’re really fragile and they smell funny.

-Suns with faces.

No explanation for this one, I just can’t STAND suns with faces.  Who thought it was a good idea to put a face on a sun??  It doesn’t make sense, it’s not necessary, and it’s creepy.

-I’m not gonna mention clowns.

Because freaking everyone says they’re weirded out by clowns. You’re hilarious, you clownaphobe you.

WTF teletubbies, WTF. Double whammy.

There are a ton more, but uh, those Nazi Zombies won’t kill themselves,

-Andrew

Today is Saturday, almost nobody read yesterday’s post, probably too busy having lives.  So yeah, More content coming soon.

lolcats are why the internet was invented.

”]. The world just can’t see past your hard outer shell to your soft heart inside. Wait… “]

Fat Emo's senior pics.

In a funk,

-Andrew

I’m super busy today, so here are some awesome pictures of hilarity and attractive people.  Who doesn’t like looking at funny stuff and pictures of people who are prettier than them?

Happy Weekend!

 

Ah haha, math joke.

Cute. Overload.

 

You gotta watch out for those giant, jagged red arrows, they'll getcha.

Do I have to explain why this is hilarious?

Now for some of my favorite attractive people.  A full post on this coming soon. Explanations and such. So this is like a preview. If I remember to make the actual post.

 

Anybody who knows me knows I couldn't not start off with RDJ.

 

She makes me understand Oedipal complexes. A certain four letter acronym that starts with M comes to mind…
My New Zealand men. Mine.
Stunning is the only word I have to describe Olivia Wilde.

 

The always classy, always beautiful Zooey Deschanel. Those eyes....

This one is just for fun, see if you can guess who it is. He's a personal hero of mine. Hint: hover mouse over picture.

I’ve got tons more of these on my computer…. Because you can never have too many pictures of attractive people.  Yeah I saw your mind go into the gutter there, THAT’S not what I meant.   I plan on devoting an entire post, probably several posts to beautiful people.

Not doing anything I wouldn’t do if you were here,

-Andrew

Wanna look awesome? Wanna impress all your friends? Wanna meet girls? Of course you do, who doesn’t? It’s a scientific fact that ladies are attracted to awesome, and by the end of this blog post you’ll be exactly that.  Knee deep in… female companionship

(As per usual, not in any particular order)

::WARNING:: This guide will make you so awesome that your friends and family might be intimidated by your presence and feel uncomfortable talking to you, and the constant stream of female attention can be exhausting.  Don’t come crying to me when you’re friends respect you too much and you can’t ever sleep because you have to have sex with so many supermodels. You’ve been warned.

Oh and you should probably give your keys to me so you don’t accidentally lose them whilst doing something awesome. Just to be safe.

To the owner of the 1999 Dodge Neon parked diagonally in two spaces in my lot, this one is for you.

10.) Survival skills.

What’s the first thing you think of when you think Bear Grylls? Badass? Hardcore? AWESOME? Well when he’s not surviving in the wilderness, Bear has to survive constant barrages of sexual advances from beautiful women.  You already know everything you need to know, you’ve watched the show, so take it to the next level!  Have your friend blindfold you and drive you out into the wilderness, drop you off and drive away.  When you make it back to civilization, awesome.

9.) Anabolic Dietary Supplements.

I mean drugs, lots and lots of drugs.  Steroids, Crystal Meth, Heroine, everything.  You’ll be huge, happy, and twice as fast as everyone else around you.

8.) Base jumping.

What’s more badass than base jumping? I’ll tell you what: Base jumping with an umbrella for a parachute.  Just picture yourself floating gracefully and awesomely down in front of Jessica Alba’s house.  Chea. Don’t forget your sunglasses.

7.) Steal a car.

I know you’ve played Grand Theft Auto.  Steal a normal car, cool.  Steal a cop car? cooler.  Steal a tank? AWESOME.

6.) Fly a helicopter into the sunset.

You’ve totally seen enough movies to do it without dying in a fiery helicopter crash.

5.) Go to space.

Build a rocket, go to space. It’ll work for sure.  Just think about that Facebook status: “Just left the atmosphere in my homemade rocket ship, lol I just got Tang in my eye! Zero gravity is awesome!!!1!”

4.) Blow up a large building.

Make sure to walk slowly away from the explosion without looking.

3.) Play Frogger.

Not on a computer, you nerd!  Way more awesome on an eight lane highway.

2.) Dodge bullets.

Haven’t you seen the Matrix? That was based on a true story!

1.) Punch a Grizzly bear in the nose.

How else can you win in a fist fight with a Grizzly bear?

Awesomely yours,

-Andrew

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