Category: Top 10-ish


10 Trends that Need to Die

Long time no see, reader.  That is definitely my bad.  The following is a list (in no particular order) of insanely popular trends that need to get off my lawn– I mean, social media.

No offense.   ?

10.) Keep Calm and Insert Tired Witticism

It hasn’t been funny since World War Two.

9.) Gangnam Style

The original was funny, your parody video is not.

8.) Vampires

For the love of God please just stop.

7.) Insta-selfies

Girls, I’m happy you love your face from odd angles so much, but stop taking pictures of yourself with your phone and posting them with weak justifications attached. Guys, get your hand out of your pants and your ass out from in front of the bathroom mirror, you look like a tool.

Endless selfies don’t make you more attractive to the opposite sex. I am as self-absorbed as the next guy, but I realize that no one wants to see that. The Internet is not your mirror, and we both know you’re not really that bored.

6.) Enormous Headphones

It’s not the 80’s anymore.  We have the technology.

5.) Greek Chic

Girls, is that your dad’s t-shirt? And guys, that’s a nice coral-colored long sleeve tee, but are you really that into fishing and/or boating?

4.) Pumpkin Everything

I know it’s fall, but that doesn’t mean everything I consume has to taste like pumpkin pie.

3.) Internet Access Required

It seems like more and more, nothing works without internet access. What if I don’t want to be constantly connected? What if I don’t want everyone to know what I’m doing all the time.  *shifty glance in either direction*  Besides, it will just make it easier for the computers to track and destroy us when they rise up to destroy us in the future.

2.) Average Movie, Part 2

Breaking movies into multiple parts is the worst.  It’s worse than 3D.  It’s worse than The Phantom Menace, Grease 2, and Jurassic Park 3.

Splitting a movie into parts comes off like a giant middle finger to the viewer, because the studio knows you will pay full price to see both, thus doubling their box office intake.  Also most of the time, the movie doesn’t need to be split into multiple parts anyway.

Splitting the last Harry Potter in two didn’t make Daniel Radcliffe a better actor, nor did it make the endless camping scene any more interesting.  The Hobbit is the worst of the Lord of the Rings books, it most certainly does not require 3 parts.  I know Peter Jackson will do a good job, and I will pay to see all three parts, but it comes off as a shameless way to make three times the money.

…Don’t even get me started on Twilight.

1.) Glupocalypse

I’m sure some people are allergic to Gluten or whatever, but the abundance of signs advertising Gluten-free and people who avoid Gluten like the plague make me wonder how we survived as a species before we had the technology to remove Gluten from our pizza.

Kids these days,

-Andrew

P.S. I couldn’t find any decent, related funny pictures to rip off for this post in the five minutes I searched.  Sorry you had to suffer through that pictureless mass of words. Also sorry for not posting in the last few… months.  It happens.

Whether they stem from Hollywood or yesteryear, people have a lot of misconceptions about college.  And, as people are wont to do, they like to talk about it.   It’s not funny.  In order to help stop you from becoming one of these people (the annoying ones), I’ve created a guide.   Or rather a list of things that annoy me about college, what people think about it, and what it’s actually like to be a college student.  If you’re lucky enough to be attending a university, or have attended one in the past, hopefully you’ll take this to heart.

College college college.  God. People say college too much, there’s one.

I’m studying allll the tiiiiime.

Are you really? Why is it that when kids get to college “homework” is referred to as studying.  I understand that actual studying goes on, but in college any activity that’s school related and not in class becomes studying. Maybe it will make your grandparents proud if you call it studying, but people study from leather-bound books in musty halls steeped in knowledge. Just because you’re doing it in the Library doesn’t mean you’re studying either, you.  You’re just doing homework in the library.  Also, that essay you’re plagiarizing from Wikipedia is now a paper? That “test”an exam?

On the topic of actual studying (without the sarcastic italics), having your book open while you watch Oxygen/TLC is not actually studying.

I MUST buy a shitload of Ramen noodles, because you know, college.

Eating Ramen isn’t some wacky novelty required for college kids.  Sure it’s cheap, you’re still not quirky, funny or original.  You probably have a 1300 dollar meal plan anyway.

Wearing your college ID card around your neck.

Don’t do it, this isn’t science camp.

I stole this from somewhere, so credit to whoever.

BEER!!!1!

Can you say Freshman 35?

Class is optional! :D

Have fun with that 2.0 GPA.

Some unsolicited advice? Showing up is the most important part of doing well in college, that nap/video game is not worth it.  Also, do you have any idea how much each class costs? A lot, so don’t waste it.

I have my OWN space to do whatever I want with.

Nice Beatles poster.

It’s so different from High School.

Then why do you wear a high school shirt every day? Okay that’s irrelevant, but you look like a dork,  and you should have some pride in the school you’re attending.  Anyway, College is the same shite as high school, just with more junk food and free time to waste.

Animal House!!!!

Yeah no. Decent movie, but no. That’s all I have to say about that.

College is a leftist stronghold, where the liberal, intellectual elite brainwash our nation’s (middle to upper-class) youth.

If by liberal, intellectual elite you mean the most educated citizens in America, who spend their lives in the pursuit of knowledge, science, art and learning, and by brainwash you mean teach, then yeah that’s what goes on.  There’s a reason the nation’s most educated tend to vote on the left, because their actions are based on rational thought and empirical observation, rather than emotion, fear, discrimination and self interest.

Whew, I’ll stop now.

Anybody got a pen?

Why is it that everybody in college thinks they need to use a pen? Are you now so advanced in your academic ability that you don’t make mistakes?

Formerly freshman,

-Andrew

Most people think the Internet is pretty cool. Unless you’re of the grey-haired persuasion, in which case you think the Internet is some kind of sorcery, but still pretty cool.  I’m definitely in the pro-internet camp as well, because without cyberspace there would be no vehicle for my vanity, and my nonsense would go unheard.  For several reasons however, it’s pretty clear that the internet is decidedly in the anti-you camp.  As evidenced by the title, I am about to list 11 (of many) of those reasons.  Evidence of why the Internet, while a revolutionary feat of technology and potentially a force for good, is not by any means your friend.

11.) It constantly questions your manhood

I’m good on the viagra front, Internet. Thanks.

10.) Captcha Codes

Maybe I’m just becoming less and less human, but it seems to me like they’re getting harder and harder to read.

Though uncharacteristically easy to read, this really makes me question your motives, Internet.

9.) $1.29 songs on iTunes

Come on Apple, surely you can make those 29 cents elsewhere, I really don’t want to resort to piracy.  Though I do think I could pull off the eye patch look. *rimshot*

8.) If it seems too good to be true, it very very is

You’re not really the 10,000th visitor, Grandma. Don’t click on that pop-up.  Also, he’s not actually stuck in Africa, and he will not return your money tenfold if you help him get to America.  In real life, it’s a lot easier to tell if something is too good to be true or not.  Makeup, fake boobs, spray tan and hair gel can only go so far.

7.) Cookies

Rather than delicious confectionary creations, in cyberspace they just spy on you and slow your computer down.  Misnomer of the century.

6.) Viruses

This one is pretty blatant, but viruses of the biological variety at least allow you to stay home all day and watch movies, and can be beaten with lots of orange juice and laziness. If only computer viruses worked the same way.

Also, we both know you didn’t get that virus from Facebook.

5.) Identity Theft

To assume one’s identity in the pre-Internet world involved facial reconstruction surgery, wigs, and a well practiced evil-laugh, while online all it takes is a site that looks identical to overstock.com and a line for your credit card number.  Actually, it doesn’t even take that much, hackers can get your info from anywhere these days, from the computer skills they acquired in the hours spent in their bedrooms avoiding sunlight and females.  But remember, with great power comes zero social skills and the pallid complexion of a zombie who can’t afford acne medication.

I’m definitely going to get hacked now.

4.)chan

No way was 4chan created with your best interests in mind.  If those are your best interests, then maybe the internet is your friend after all.

3.) You never know who you’re actually dealing with

In real life, you can tell that the dirty man with the knife is probably about to rob and/or stab you, because you can clearly see that he’s a dirty man with a knife.  Online he goes by C011egeGurl1717, Steve Jones, or Free iPad!, and he wants to be your friend. He also wants to meet you in a dark parking lot with your PayPal account information.

That reminds me, meet me in the Wal Mart Parking lot at midnight, come alone.  To claim your free iPad of course, and maybe to hang out in a platonic, non-abducty way.

2.) It knows who you are (and where you live)

As evidenced by the increasing number of insanely specific ads one experiences whilst browsing the net, it’s pretty clear the Internet knows you better than anyone.   Using your search history, cookies, and location specific ip address, the Internet knows who you are and where you live.  The fact that it hasn’t gouged its eyes out in sheer horror after seeing the real you is the amazing part, and yet more evidence of its soul-crushing black hole of a soul.

1.)  It’s everywhere

More and more devices simply won’t work without internet, and anyone without an internet-capable smart phone doesn’t have the latest technology.  This means that wherever you go, the internet is there too.  This is convenient, and I enjoy checking my e-mail on the go as much as the next guy, but the fact remains that the Internet today is essentially inescapable.  Let’s just hope it continues to use its formidable powers for advertisements, and not something more sinister.  Here’s looking at you, Big Brother.

Let’s hope those unmarked panel vans outside are full of candy or iPads.

Online,

-Andrew

P.S. ARomDoms.Com rolled past 30,000 views the other day.  While that total isn’t staggeringly high for a blog that’s been running for a year and a halfish, and despite the fact that if I were a cat or a baby I would probably have 3 million by now, I appreciate every last view.  You guys are the best.  I’d also like to thank the Internet, because without you and my fingers, this blog would have never been physically possible.

First off, I have to say I know nothing about fashion, so take this post with a grain of salt and don’t get your knickers in a twist. Then again if you’re actually wearing “knickers” you’ll probably want to stop reading anyway, because I think the internet is against your religion, along with electricity and humor.

Before you say anything, I very rarely use the word faux pas, so no worries there. Though that’s more out of an admittedly unreasonable disdain for French culture than out of a lack of sophistication.

I also realize that fall is almost over, and that this post would probably have been more relevant earlier in the season, but I couldn’t resist the opportunity for alliteration in the title. Actually, it was mostly a result of busyness/laziness more than the need for alliteration.  I started this post in the midst of fall, when it was extremely relevant, but I never got around to finishing it until now. Oops.

Anywho,

As we get closer to winter, people sip apple cider and start dust off their cold weather clothes . The following should serve as a guide as you prepare to venture out into the judgmental world in your new fall fashions.

~in no particular order~

1.) Leggings as Pants

You might as well not wear pants, because we can see everything. EVERYTHING. Have some class, leave something to the imagination.

Also, my girlfriend says you shouldn’t wear brown boots with them, because everyone knows you shouldn’t wear brown and black together. Come on now.

2.) Ski Masks

Is it -20 outside? Are we in the midst of a blizzard? Are you competing in the Iditarod? Are you robbing a bank? Are you skiing?

No?

THEN DON’T WEAR A SKI MASK, YOU CREEPER YOU.

(I am in no way condoning bank robbery, that’s not cool either.)

3.) Flip Flops

Unless you’re a Hobbit, why does it make sense to go barefoot when it’s cold outside? When you really think about it, does wearing long pants and flip flops really make sense? Are you climbing Mount Doom?

Are your feet really just that attractive? !!Spoiler alert!! No.  No they’re not.

4.) Denim on Denim

It’s not the 90’s anymore thank god, so you can throw away your Canadian Tuxedo along with your Hanson cd’s. The denim jacket and jeans combo is no longer acceptable, so let it die like Britney spears and Nirvana. What is this, a Wrangler commercial?

I can't believe I lived in a time where people thought it was okay to dress like this. You'd be better off wearing a dress made of raw meat. Wait....

5.) Shorts

I know you’re proud of your hairless calves, you testosteroneless man-child, but no one actually thinks it’s funny or novel. Find a new way to get attention before you catch Pneumonia.

6.) Fingerless Gloves

Because gloves that keep your fingers warm are too mainstream?  You look like a hobo.

7.) Animal Hats

Girls and Children– this does not apply to you, keep wearing your hats that look like animals, you look adorable.

Guys– you look like you’re trying to lure children and girls into your windowless panel van.  It doesn’t look cute, at best it looks like a desperate stab at attention-getting novelty. Put on your man hat.

But not your Indiana Jones man hat, unless you were alive in the 50’s, it looks like you’re wearing a costume.

8.) Rain Boots

I don’t have any problem with rain boots in practical situations, but if there aren’t any puddles, and it isn’t raining, why would you wear rain boots? You look silly. SILLY.

“AH! There’s a cloud in the sky! I must prepare for the great flood! And the only way to do that is by wearing a windbreaker and rain boots! Exclamation point!”

9.) Dark, Possibly Leather Trench Coats

This is not the first time I’ve mentioned these. At best, You look like a creep.

10.) Just…. No.

Because putting on both pants and a sweatshirt is such an inconvenience. And look, I don't even have to take off my onesy to poop!

It’s been way too long,

-Andrew

P.S. Why don’t they just take the “C” out of BCS, because that acronym is more accurate.  Proud of my Big 12 Champion Cowboys, who this past weekend DESTROYED a classless Sooner team, who tried to block our players from coming out of the tunnel before the game even started, and who routinely punched them in the stomach after the whistle was blown.

1.) I can smell you before I see you

Bad: I can smell your Axe around the corner. I can also smell excessive hair gel and loneliness.

Worse: It smells like something crawled into your shorts and died. Like the part of my soul you killed walking into the room.  Seriously take like five showers.

2.) Inappropriate Facial Hair

Bad: You don’t look sophisticated or ironic, you look like a pedophile.

Worse: Is that a forehead moustache or a caterpillar? It looks like your eyebrows are mating…

You heard me. Pedo. Stache.

3.) Your ass hangs out of the bottom of your shorts

Bad: You’ve caught my attention, but you look like a skank.

Worse: Oh dear God, where’s the eye bleach??

4.) Your artificial tan is painfully obvious

Bad: You look hispanic, you used to look like Wonder Bread (I should know).

Worse: You look like Tito from Rocket Power. Or a carrot. A disgusting, cancerous carrot.

I used to watch a lot of Nickelodeon.

5.) Prolonged eye contact with strangers

Bad: Elevator staring contest.

Worse: Few things are more uncomfortable than amorous eye contact from a stranger in a public restroom.

6.) Your stomach hangs out underneath your shirt (get a larger shirt)

Bad:  Are you… pregnant?

Worse: Like a can of biscuits.

7.) You Look Like a Serial Killer

Bad: Why do you carry a switchblade in your pocket? There is literally no reason you would ever need that in a dorm.  And no, nobody thinks it’s badass or cool in any way.

Worse: Do you really need that leather trench coat? Also wash your hair and try to look less zombie-like.

Please don’t kill me.

You do not look like this.

You Pressure Me to Blog

Bad: I actually don’t mind, I need the motivation.

Worse: I’ll be honest here, this is just a cop out because I couldn’t think of ten things.

It’s been way too long,

-Andrew

Public restrooms are awkward and gross enough as it is, you don’t need to make it worse.  Here is a list of things to avoid whilst conducting your, eh hem, business.  Oh and this is mostly rules for men’s restrooms, seeing as how I haven’t spent nearly as much time in women’s restrooms…

-Before you think too hard about that-

(in no particular order)

Rule 1: Prolonged Eye Contact

Few things are more uncomfortable than prolonged and subtly amorous eye contact with a stranger in a public restroom.

Rule 2: S*** Talking

If you’re in a stall, and I’m not, there’s no need for you to talk to me.  No matter how bored you are in there.

Rule 3: Eyes Front

This one should hopefully speak for itself, but as curious as you are, attempting to sneakily look at my penis- WEIRD.  It’s not a self-conscious thing, it’s a “watching other guys pee isn’t okay” thing.

Rule 4: WASH YOUR HANDS

Rinsing doesn’t count, don’t think I didn’t notice that lack of soap. You disgust me.

Rule 5: If It’s Anything, Flush it Down

This is a public restroom, not Mexico. Also, I think you might have a kidney problem…

Rule 6: No Phoney Business

Does the person you’re talking on the phone with realize you’re going to the bathroom? Isn’t that weird for them? It’s weird for me.

Rule 7: What Are You– Oh Dear God…

…………………………………..Don’t do that.

Rule 8: Don’t Get Handsy

No, not like THAT, you freak. But don’t do that either.  What I’m getting at are post-bathroom handshakes, try to avoid them.  Are your hands wet because you washed them? Or is that something else…

Rule 9: Keep Your Pants On

This ones for the urinal users, obviously.  They make zippers and stuff in pants for a reason, don’t pull your flipping pants all the way down to use a urinal.  Who thinks that’s normal after age 4??

Rule 10: The Golden (no pun intended) Rule

If there are more than two urinals in the bathroom, and I’m the only one in there, DON’T use the one directly next to me.  Any guy will attest to the weirdness of this, especially in bathrooms with no partitions in between the urinals.  I know you’re lonely, but I don’t want to be in the splash zone here.  BLEHHHH.

Hopefully you now share my phobia of public restrooms,

-Andrew

Why would you want to unleash your inner douche you ask? An excellent question, wise reader, but sadly one that I don’t have the answer to.  No one knows why douche-bags exist, but we do know how.  The following is a guide towards douche-dom, written in the persona of a doucher who is writing a guide on how to be a winner, and is an attempt to explore the very nature of their existence.

If any of the following offend you, you might be a douche.

::Please don’t try this at home::

(In no particular order)

10.) Fart Loudly and Intentionally Around Other People

Because it’s effing hilarious.

9.) Don’t Signal When You Turn or Change Lanes

You’re a good enough driver you don’t have to signal, the other tards on the road should just get out of your way.  Your morning drive to work is just like The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, you beast.

8.) Bathe in Axe© Brand Body Spray

It totally makes you smell manlier than real cologne, because a lady who smells you will know you have at least 6 bucks to spend on extra deodorant.  Don’t bother cleaning yourself either, because it’ll cover up whatever bad smells you have on you.

7.) Dress for Success

Your shirts should all have at least one skull, rose, or naked woman on it, and if possible it should have something written in large silver letters n the back.  Oh and buy it two sizes too small, your rippling abs won’t be visible otherwise.

You can always just go shirtless all the time too; showcase your raw power with a little baby oil.

6.) Listen to Nickelback

Because he doesn’t sound like a sissy.

5.) Be a Sooner fan

Oh come on, you had to have seen this one coming. ;)

4.) Talk Loudly On Your Cell Phone in Public Places

You’ve got important business to do, people’s stupid conversations and movies can wait.

3.) Jackass 1, 2, 0r 3

Is your favorite movie.

2.) Grammar Shmammar

dont follow the rules, grammar is for nerds, nothing is as intimidating as a threatening run-on sentence with  ARbiTrarY cApitaLIZation and lots of comas, .

tlk in txt spk 2, u got no time 4 ppls crap or thr vowels.

ur not dum u jst dnt test well.

1.) Your Vehicle = Your Manhood

It’s a fact that the size/loudness of your car directly corresponds to the size of your man parts.

No offense,

-Andrew

Did I mention spray tanning and copious amounts of hair gel?

P.S. This shouldn’t by any means be considered an exhaustive list of qualities required for douchiness.  In fact, it has opened sort of a can of worms and I could write about this for days.  As a result, most likely coming soon: A (very incomplete) List of Things That Annoy The Hell Out of Me.

So my posts have been somewhat few and far between lately, and for that I apologize, because I know how it’s the highlight of your time on the internet and all.  Anyway, your Facebook profile Picture is (sadly) how most of your network of acquaintances and strangers sees you, so it’s important to have a decent one, especially if you spend as much time on there as I do.  The following post should serve as a guide as you select a profile picture to represent yourself online.

Also, you may have noticed that this is my third Facebook-themed post, and I will admit that I have a bit of a preoccupation with the blue and white menace, but so do you.  So shuddup.

**DISCLAIMER** Realize before you freak out on me , that I was able to write this because I’ve been guilty of most of these Facebook faux pas in the past.  It’s not hypocrisy if I acknowledge my past guilt.  Calm.

~In no particular order~

The Pro Pic Troll

You know what I’m talking about, the one negative commenter on your profile picture. It always happens.  It’s usually the guy who has had the same profile picture for years because it’s the only good picture of him ever taken, and he doesn’t have the self-confidence to use another one.  I understand that there is some degree of fruitiness in taking a picture of oneself sure, but I dabble in photography and looking good, so it’s just the natural progression of hobby and vanity.  Also, you know you’ve done it too, so don’t be a douche you unnattractive person you.

Posting a Slightly Different, Self-Shot Profile Picture Every Couple of Days

I realize that this somewhat contradicts the above statement, but there is a distinction. Don’t get me wrong, I am guilty of the occasional Myspacean, self-shot profile picture (although I try to give mine some artistic merit at least), but when several blurryass pictures of you taken from the same weird angle fill my news feed every day, it gets old.  I understand the temptation, I am one of the most self-absorbed humans on the planet, but trust me, this goes beyond self-absorption and into the realm of self-obsession.   You don’t need a new profile picture every two days friend, I’m pretty sure you look the same as you did two days ago.

Your Profile Picture Isn’t You

Unless it’s for a cartoon character or celebrity pro pic week, everyone assumes this happens because you’re ugly.  It’s also weird and creepy (yes,  both weird AND creepy), I feel like anyone could be behind that anime character or demotivational poster.  It’s the hockey mask of the e-predator world.  Have some self confidence, if they’ve read my blog, no one will make fun of your profile picture if it’s actually you, so you have nothing to worry about.  Beisdes, you’ll be more attractive to the opposite sex (or whoever you’re trying to attract) if you have the confidence to appear as you really are, and anyone who doesn’t think so isn’t worth your time.  Don’t be a creeper.

Over-Edited, Pseudo-Artistic Pictures

They’re usually weird colors, really blurry, and with words and crap on them.  I don’t know what online photo editor you used, but unless you’re sepia colored, blurry, and bracketed with words and hearts in real life, it’s not okay.  A profile picture should be of you, not of some weird cartoon version of you.

Cell-Phone-in-the-Bathroom Mirror Pictures

This one isn’t as severe as some of the others, but incredibly tacky nonetheless.  Especially when I scroll through your album of profile pictures, and they’re all of you standing in front of the bathroom mirror, holding your head at the same angle, with the same cocky look on your face, and in varying states of shirtlessness.

A Photo of You Kissing Your Boyfriend

Seriously? I’m happy you’ve been kissed at least once as proved by your picture, but leave it off your profile.  Especially if it’s super close up and gross.

Nearly Naked You

As rockin’ as your bod may be, future employers and grandmas are all over Facebook, so don’t look like a prostitute, because it could come back to haunt you.  That goes for guys too, taking a picture of your shirtless self with your hand down your pants in the bathroom? Not okay.  Even if you don’t care about employers or innocent grandmas and children on Facebook, have some class people!

Just to be clear, I don’t think there is anything wrong with pictures of you at the lake in your swimwear, it’s pictures of you in the bathroom with sex in your eyes that don’t need to grace the top left corner of your profile.

The Where’s Waldo Picture

When your profile picture has a ton of people in it.  This one is akin to the profile picture that isn’t even you, because if I don’t know you how am I supposed to tell which one you are? I’m just going to assume that you’re the guy in the background holding the knife.

No Offense,

-Andrew

I haven’t posted in over a week.  I wasn’t just facing writers block, I was discovering the many ways how not to write a blog post. Don’t worry, none of them involve having a life.  [Reminiscent, sympathy-invoking sentence omitted.]

Big news though, since having tremendous amounts of free time during the summer is apparently frowned upon when you’re 19, I applied for and got my first desk job! I’ll be working this summer and into the fall as a Student Assistant to the President here at Oklahoma State.  Due to the public nature of the office however, I am not allowed to disclose the daily comings and goings of the office, so this will probably be all I can say about it.  Just assume that I’m usually doing something really important and top secret.

So that’s pretty cool.

On an unrelated note, I just accidentally ate an entire bag of Flamin’ Hot Munchies  and a box of Hot Tamales (endorsement deal?).  I feel like death, but it was soooo grooood.

~Transitional sentence~

(In no particular oder)

Dont:

10.) Write a blog post by playing Portal 2

Portal 2 is not blogging, and is incredibly addicting.  Thus, no posts.

9.) Write at work

I work in a computerless restaurant. And I don’t have a smart phone.  I have a dumb phone, so it doesn’t work out.

8.) Write blog posts during dead (pre-finals) week

Can you say 9 page research paper on the obesity epidemic in America, its causes, and its effects? Oh and a 20 page power point comparing the  stock market crash of 1720 with the one of 2008.  And I had to write my own obituary for the death part of Developmental Psychology.  So in case you didn’t connect the dots there, my point was that I was incredibly busy.

 7.) Write by working on a movie set

It’s true! I’m working part time as an intern in the art department of a movie filming around Stillwater. It’s called Cowgirls and Sweethearts I think, and it stars James Cromwell from the movie Babe.  Anyway, hard work, can’t write blog posts there.

6.) Write while sickish

Sore throats and eye infections aren’t very funny.  And no, that does not count as being sick, if you’re keeping track.

5.) Be a nerd

You might think being a nerd would help when it comes to something as time consuming as blogging, but not when you’re in the computer lab playing League of Legends with your nerdy friends till 4:30am.

4.) Write blog posts during finals week

Yeah I was still just playing Portal 2.

3.) Write while pretending to be a photographer

I’ve taken up photography as a hobby on the side, so I recently took my sister’s senior pictures. I’m buying a much nicer camera this summer too, so if you’re interested in having your senior pictures or just some random glamor shots taken by moi, let me know.  If you want to see how my sister’s pictures turned out they can be found here (I think). For real though, if you’re interested I don’t charge much (if I charge at all), and it’ll only be a little awkward.  Mostly fun though I promise.  Not in a creepy way.

Shameless self-promotion aside, photography is time consuming, and it takes away from blogging time.

2.) Try to write a blog

Turns out it’s way harder to write a blog post when you actually try.

1.) Try to write by entering your computer Tron-style

I made this one up because I couldn’t think of ten.  But wouldn’t it be cool??

I’m back,

-Andrew

I honestly can’t understand my own addiction to Facebook.  It’s annoying.  Nay, Facebook isn’t annoying, a large number of the people on my Facebook are annoying.  The following are some surefire ways to get yourself blocked from my news feed.  It’s also going to make me look like a huge jerk.

Although since you’re reading this you’re cool, and probably not guilty of any of them.  Yay you!

Facebooking Your Undying Love-

I’m happy you’re happily in a relationship, I really am, but please, for the love of God, keep it out of my news feed.  One or two statuses is fine, I understand that.  Announcing your love on Facebook is the modern day equivalent of shouting it off a mountaintop, but really, your boyfriend or girlfriend gets the point after one or two.  And I should never see the word “babe,” “baby,” or any of your other diminutives for your lover in my news feed unless you’re talking about an actual infant. It’s gross. Oh and one more thing, QUIT CONSTANTLY POSTING ON EACH OTHER’S WALLS.  Seriously, chances are you’re in the same room as each other anyway.  If not, that’s what Facebook Messages and Facebook Chat are for.  I know you’re dating, I don’t have to be reminded of it every time I get on Facebook.

Bathroom Statuses-

Ew.  I don’t care how good of a bowel movement you just had, or what was wrong with the toilet seat, keep it off my news feed.  Gross.

Emo Song Lyrics-

I get it. You’re sad. Or maybe there’s just too much pain in the world for a funny status.  Whatever. Nobody ever likes a mopey song lyric status.

Endless Surveys and Crappy Applications-

Wow cool, you scored “95% hot” on the “How Hot Are You?” quiz.  I don’t know you.  I don’t care. If I knew you, I wouldn’t care.  They always have such big obnoxious pictures too, so I don’t see the funny statuses in between that I might get some fulfillment out of. Cool horoscope entry! I’m glad things are going well for Scorpios! Aw neat! You found a golden chicken! GET A HOBBY.

Please? :)

Passive Aggressive Statuses-

Things like “I hope the most horrible misfortune befalls you and your family” aren’t of any use to me.  I don’t know who you’re talking about, so why do you feel the need to share that with me?

Inside Jokes-

Nobody else gets it.  That makes it substantially less funny.

Hearts-

The occasional <3 is fine, but come on guys, hearts fill up my news feed like acne on a college freshman’s face.  You can’t heart EVERYTHING.

Txt speak-

There isn’t a word count for Facebook statuses.  Express yourself in complete words and sentences.  This isn’t Twitter, you lazy jerk.

Get off my lawn,

-Andrew

%d bloggers like this: