Archive for March, 2011


Hey everybody, it’s Thursday! …..Yeah!

I’m all for global warming if it means avoiding nasty days like yesterday, which seem to support the lesser accepted theory of global colding.

I realized today, after watching a movie filmed in the 70’s, that my hairstyle is about 40 years behind the times.

We have, a fairy, in Lincoln Park...

That wasn’t my cell phone, I’ve just taken up the pocket marimba.

But unlike you, I don’t have an iPhone. Or even a smart phone.  I think my phone is what they used to call a candy bar phone.  Yumm.

I hate those nights when you think you see a spider on the wall above your bed, but by the time you find something to kill it with it’s gone.  Then for the rest of the night everything you feel is a venomous spider.

I’d be okay if it was a radioactive spider though, that’d be neat.

When you go to wash your hands in a public bathroom and the water is way too hot, but rather than change the temperature you just put your hands under the water and take them out really quickly over and over.

You know a music video is good when it comes with a safety warning to epileptics at the front.  You know it’s even better when it actually causes epilepsy.

Also, Rhianna’s outfit in that video? Yeah… yeah.  That’s all I have to say about that.

By the way I was talking about Kanye West’s new All of the Lights video, if you haven’t seen it yet (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAfFfqiYLp0)

“I don’t want to interrupt this epileptic seizure but– these are some of the greatest flashing lights of all time!”

For being a food I eat principally when I’m in a hurry, Hot Pockets have got to be the worst food to try to eat fast.  The faster you try to eat them, the more lava-hot cheese and molten mystery meat gets squirted into your mouth.

Gettin’ ready for the weekend weekend,

-Andrew

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Wow, I have to quit with these blog pun titles, but what do you title a themeless post?

Past Andrew has authorized me to plagiarize blog content from my Facebook page, and to use blog content on my Facebook page.  Before you get your knickers in a twist, I don’t do it frequently, but my Facebook page was feeling neglected.  And I can only come up with so many somethings funny in a day.

Also, if you’re not friends with me on Facebook feel free to add me! just make sure to leave a note saying you found me from my blog, otherwise I’ll assume you’re an internet predator.

If you’re actually an internet predator, I probably shouldn’t have given you that advice just now.  I’ll take my chances.

MOVING ON

Yesterday I microwaved some really old bread, and it became toast.  Not sure what that means scientifically, but I ate it anyway.

I was nuking a hot dog and I didn’t want to have to clean a plate, and I didn’t have any hot dog buns, so I decided to kill two birds with one burst of radiation.  I didn’t see any fire, which was my initial concern with microwaving bread, but I was simultaneously eating a string cheese that was two months past its sell by date and trying to determine if it was going to kill me.  So maybe I just didn’t notice it.

Such is the culinary life of a college student.

Get up, take a shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, check e-mail to find out class has been cancelled last minute, go back to bed.

I figure if I wear shorts for long enough the weather will show some mercy and warm up eventually.

So yesterday, in a fit of inspiration, I outlined the plot of a science fiction novel I plan to write eventually.  I’ll keep you posted.

My idea of vintage is buying my tennis shoes from the clearance room at the shoe store..

Those holes in my jeans aren’t fashion statements, I just need new jeans.

If you’re ever wondering whether or not you should take that chance, and hesitate because of the possibility of awkwardness, consider this: I live in a constant state of awkward silence, and stand as proof that prolonged and severe awkwardness is indeed survivable.  Though I probably wouldn’t take that chance if it were me, because I’m so awkward and shy.

Thanks for the e-mails, Yahoo! Real Estate, but as great of a time it is to buy a home, I’M NOT INTERESTED IN BUYING A HOME.  So if you wouldn’t mind ceasing to send me e-mails informing me of that fact, I’d be much obliged.

The same goes to you, Edris Joanetta, Pearlenne Susann, and Sacha Dominga, as enticing of an offer as it is, I am perfectly satisfied with my penis size thanks.

So often as I walk about my college’s campus, I see other people.  And upon seeing those other people wonder, how did this person end up on a college campus??  This one’s for you, guy who pees on the floor in the bathroom every day.

This post is in memoriam of all the awesome post ideas I have thought of and subsequently forgotten in these two months of blogging.  You shall be sorely missed.

Love,

-Andrew

 

P.S. This is a picture of my desk as I write this post, see if you can spot the diabetes.

Sunday Bloggy Sunday

I don’t have time to write this today.  I’ve got to read a novel about stock fraud and prepare 3 topics for a cultural discussion tomorrow.  But I’m going to write it anyway.

Mostly because I got a grand total of 4 views yesterday, an all time low.  It makes me sad. Tell your friends about my site!

An embarrassing moment followed when I tried to look cool and kick the turnstile and step through it gracefully and stylishly, only to remember that the physics of it cause it to inevitably swing around and hit me in the crotch.  Meant to do that…

Shut up, cheerful cardinal on my windowsill, I’m trying to mope.

If you’re ever in the mood for horrible weather, try planning an outdoor event, guaranteed to be awful.

This is how my blog works. Just FYI.

Worse than avoiding people you don’t want to talk to is when you see someone you know, and you go to smile and say something and all you get is a poker face.

Man I’m bad at this whole school thing, I’m probably going to have to go to the library for the first time all semester to get this reading done.

Feel free to judge me on this one, but thanks to my friends at Tokyo Pot, I am 420 chapters into this manga called One Piece lately, and the other day it actually made me cry.  I am confident enough in my masculinity that I can admit it.  Real tears came down my face as I read this comic.  I read, I laugh, and I cry at this stuff.  Don’t hate it until you try it, that’s all I have to say.

I sound like a drug dealer.

I guess I’m going to go read this novel about stock fraud in the library and more importantly be seen reading this novel about stock fraud in the library. Bleh.

Swamped,

-Andrew

P.S. I feel like I wasted an awesome title on a crappy post.  Sorry about that.

I prefer the term eccentric, but crazy is the spice of life. Life hacks are just easy little things you can do to make your life slightly easier or more efficient. Solving life’s little problems if you will. Since I tend to be somewhat spacey, I use some weird but effective methods function on a day-to-day basis. And some of them I will probably make up for humor because I can’t think of ten.

At least I’m honest.

1.) Problems with lateness?

Play exciting soundtrack music while when you’re driving. I reccomend pretty much anything Hans Zimmer, but James Bond does the trick too. You’ll feel like you’re in an action movie, and your groggy drive to school becomes an epic race against the clock. I won’t pay your speeding tickets though. So…watch out for that.

Also, set your alarm clock 15 minutes fast. You’ll be too groggy to remember you changed it in the morning, so you’ll freak out and move extra fast.

2.) Can’t remember things?

Guys: You look like a tool with your planner and highlighters everywhere, and that only works if you carry a purse around. I’m all for gender equality, but come on. Write stuff in pen on the back of your hand, wash it off after you do that thing. Works every time.

Girls: keep carrying that planner and those highlighters around because I’ll probably forget something and have to ask you.

3.) Worried about smelling bad?

Wear deodorant. Contrary to what you might think, smelling like crap doesn’t make you more attractive to the opposite sex. This one might make me seem like a crazy person, but I keep deodorant just about everywhere I might need it. Got a few sticks in the car, some in my trumpet case, and an obscene amount in my room. Too much. It’s a condition. But hey, at least I smell good. (I hope…)

4.) Acne? Fatness?

Drink lots of water. This one is medically certified and you can look it up just about anywhere, but drinking plenty of water is one of the major keys to being healthy. I know, water is boring, but if you at least drink less soda, and more water you’ll be better off. Drink more water than you think you need. Drink it when you’re not thirsty. I guarantee it will help clear your face up, you’ll be less obese, and you’ll be much healthier overall.

5.) Feeling sick?

Now this one I can’t vouch for medically, but it’s kept me from getting sick for at least 3 years. I can’t even remember the last time I got actually sick. When you start to feel sick, drink a big glass of orange juice, take two ibuprofen, and refuse to believe that you’re sick. Just forget about it. Then throughout the day drink as much water as possible, and take a little more ibuprofen if you need to. Continue this each morning until you feel better. Works like a charm if you believe it, because 60% (I made that statistic up) of illness is mental.

It also helps if you’re The Chosen One.

6.) Bad eating habit?

Eat so much of that thing that you get physically ill. Then I guarantee you won’t want to eat it again. Just thinking about chicken wings makes me want to puke.

7.) Depressed?

Beat the crap out of something (please not someone). Well, that’s not entirely true, just get active. Pushups, running, tennis, walking, anything works. Nothing relieves stress for me better than racquetball, where you can hit a rubber ball as hard as you possibly can, and it keeps coming back to you. Kind of like…. ahhh, that would be in poor taste.

8.) Hate feeling stupid when you talk to people?

Watching the news or reading the paper is boring, so I just set my home page to CNN or nytimes.com. Any time you get on your computer to check your Facebook, play Neopets, or whatever you do on the internet behind that locked door (you freak), you’ll see the world’s most major headlines. Always useful for general small talk or sounding smartish.

9.) Your ego too big for Facebook? Way too much free time?

Try blogging, you narcissistic jerk. Okay this isn’t a real tip, I just sincerely hope that’s not how my blog comes across.

10.) Trouble thinking of ten things?

Just put the word “almost” in front of the word “ten,” and people won’t realize they’ve been cheated. Sorry people.

;

It’s too nice outside to blog ,

And I’m hungry,

But mostly lazy,

-Andrew

;

I feel like every Spring Break competes with previous Spring Breaks to see which can finish sooner.  So far this year’s Spring Break is winning.

My developmental psych prof scheduled an exam for the day after Spring Break.  To protest, I didn’t study at all.  I’ll show her….

I hate showering at someone else’s house, using their soap, because then  you sit around in their house smelling like them.  Weird.

When you wear a different scent of deodorant for the first time, it’s like someone who smells better than you is following you around all day.

Sometimes I like movie trailers more than actual movies.  It’s got all the best parts of the movie, in two minutes or less.

What'd he expect when he visited the drive through petting zoo?

When I’m driving down the road I usually rock out at near max volume, a one man, seated dance party, but when I pull up to a stoplight I always sheepishly turn down my music and make sure no one is watching.

I saw a sign for a lost white cat named Peaches today.  Why would you name a white cat Peaches??

I swam laps until I puked today.  Hardcore!! Actually it didn’t take long  because I accidentally  inhaled a bunch of pool water.  It’s been a while since I’ve swam.

Over 2000 slightly amused,

-Andrew

P.S. Seriously thanks for the views guys, even if someone out there is just hitting refresh over and over again. My ego isn’t picky.

My posts have been somewhat sparse lately, and I apologize for that.  I think it’s possible that I wrote every funny thought in my head in that first fevered month of blogging.

My grandma got my blog url the other day.  I’m not sure if she knows what a url is, but I gotta keep these next few posts ah, grandma friendly.. Hey grandma!

lol wat?

I hate that terrifying moment when you get water in your nose whilst swimming underwater and you feel like you’re about to sneeze, because everyone knows that sneezing underwater causes instant death.  It’s just physics.

You know that feeling when you sit down to play a video game, and when you get up again you’ve beaten it, and you’re all like, “Man, what a short game!” Feeling cheated, you look up how long it is online.  It was a 16 hour campaign.  Then it hits you that you haven’t eaten or drank for 16 hours.

Yeah me either, I’ve never done that…

The best way to guarantee it rains tomorrow? Wash your car today.

Wear fancy pea coat and pop the collar.  30% to keep your neck warm, 70% for style points.

Watch an action movie and feel invincible, try to recreate it on Xbox Live, get repeatedly teabagged by a screaming British 10-year-old.  Angrily turn off Xbox.

I hate that moment when you think you look awesome so you’re all, “heck yeah, take a picture of me!”  Then someone takes a picture of you, and you look like, really really not awesome.

This is probably ancient, but I laughed really hard when I saw this.

In movies, any time you pull up to a stoplight and look at the car next to you, there are either a pair buxom blondes in low cut tops looking over sultrily at you, or scary motorcycle gangs/assorted thugs.  In reality? 80 percent of the time it’s some middle aged dude picking his nose.

You know that awkward moment when you sleep in just your boxers, you know, the ones with the big hole in the front, and someone comes into your room in the morning and starts talking to you? Inevitably they want you to get out of bed, but you can’t really because you just woke up and, uh, yeah… a terribly awkward moment is sure to follow no matter which course of action you choose.

That’s why I always keep a pair of pants next to my bed.

That one probably wasn’t grandma friendly…

I swear whenever I put my phone in silent mode, it also activates a cloaking device.  I never lose my phone when it’s on loud mode, that would be too easy.

I’ve gotta go find my phone before work,

-Andrew

Today my Dad, sister, and I made the two hour pilgrimage across snow-covered and desolate Northern Iowa/Minnesota to the playland of the North, the Mall of America.  With 4.3 miles of storefront footage, enough room for seven Yankee Stadiums, 520+ stores, 25 rides in the amusement park, a 1.2 million gallon aquarium, and 4.2 million total square feet, I did some of the best random wandering I’ve ever done while my sister shopped for prom dresses.  The following are some of my observations and musings.

-Sitting there on a bench in the Mall of America, avoiding eye contact with the pushy miracle massage salesman, I realized it’s the only place where Segways are practical, and that’s so the mall cops can catch runway strollers and speeding fat people wagons at the blistering speed of slightly faster than walking pace.

-I discovered that I can sniff out an Auntie Anne’s from anywhere in the mall, including the Mall of America.  The only place where you can close your eyes and follow the scent from Auntie Anne’s to Auntie Anne’s for miles without going to the same one twice or leaving the building.

-Wear a trench coat in the Mall of America, I assume you’re naked underneath.  Don’t be naked underneath.

-Dear Abercrombie, unless you’re a delicious cookie or pretzel stand, I should not smell and hear your store before I can see it.  Keep your douchebaggery to yourself, tanks! :)

-Man I feel like a pedo hanging out in the Lego store amidst a sea of 2nd graders, but I freaking love legos. Don’t judge me.

>I wish I could take a sharpie to all the boxes and change the age limits to 19+, then I wouldn’t feel so bad.

-When you need an up escalator, all you can seem to find are down ones filled with undesirable people and sticky, yelly little kids.

Escalaterror.

>That’s gotta be a metaphor for life.

-I bought my first pair of Sperry Topsiders today, but I also bought a pair of tennis shoes to balance them out.  As long as I stay away from the flat front khakis, FayBans, pastel polos, and neon baseball caps I’ll be okay.

-When the salesclerk asked me if I needed a bigger “baeg,” it took me a second to realize that she meant “bag,” and I had already said no thanks.  MinnessOHt-n accents….

-After two days of  my sister prom dress shopping, in the last store we went to I walked in and decided to help this time.  I went off on my own and found a dress I thought would be good.  The first and only dress I picked out was the one she bought.  WIN.

So ladies, if anyone wants to take me prom dress shopping, I’m kind of a pro.

America!

-Andrew

Firstly, my heart goes out to the Japanese yet again today, truly horrifying stuff.  I can’t even imagine what that must be like.  I encourage everyone to do anything they can to help out!

This is a group my friend Take started on Facebook for information about what you can do to donate or help out http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_140725962660364&ap=1

I’m working on an actual post, but I didn’t want to push it out unfinished, like (unpleasant premature birth metaphor), so I decided to post the pictures I took today instead.  A picture says a thousand words, so this is like… several thousand words about my spring break so far. I also dabble in photography.

Click on the pictures to see ginormous, HD versions. I do it big. Actually, it just sort of happened. Enjoy!

Artsy fartisly yours,

-Andrew

I have a theory.  Well, it’s less of a theory and more of a different way of looking at life.  It’s not necessarily a helpful one, or one that will change the way you live, but I find it incredibly interesting to think about.

You are not the same person you were yesterday.

Every moment you’re alive you change slightly, you learn something, you grow taller, you grow older, you think about something new. When you add all those moments up, you end up changing significantly.  You’re still technically the same biological person as you were last night, last week, or last year, but you’re a new version of you.  Since you can’t time travel (if you can, what the hell are you doing reading this instead of riding a triceratops??), the older versions of you exist only in the past, separate and unchanging.  When you look at a picture of yourself, you’re not seeing yourself, you’re seeing your past self.

Should we just live to benefit our present selves, because we’ll never truly be able to experience what the future holds? Or should we sacrifice our present self’s happiness to supplement the happiness of our future selves?

For example: when you study for that Chemistry test today, you’re not studying to benefit yourself, you’re studying to benefit your future self.  The same is true for the reverse.  When you play Pokemon all day instead of writing that paper, you act to benefit your present self, and you screw over your future self.  The next time your teacher asks you why you didn’t do your homework, or your boss asks you why you didn’t do what he needed you to do, just blame it on your past self, you can’t control that, what do they think you are, a time traveler??

As I eat this pile of M&M’s directly off my desk, I greatly increase my happiness, but Mr. Diabetes waits around the corner to kick my future self in the nuts and steal his wallet.  It’s okay, I hear Future Andrew is a jerk anyway.

You can easily communicate with your future self by writing a letter or taking a picture. If only you could communicate with  your past self…

Can you say time loop?

Paradoxically yours,

-Past Andrew

P.S. I’m pretty sure that means I just time traveled.

Man, I don’t even know where to start with this one…

When I first heard about Prince of Persia I was excited, because I had played the video game and I thought a movie based on it would be awesome.  But then, being the Tomatometer Troll I am, I read the reviews. Yikes.

Now, I have a tendency to trust the Tomatometer a bit too much, so I end up not watching movies I’m interested in solely because of the reviews.  So when Prince of Persia came on TV at my house, I decided to donate two hours of my time to it and see if the internet might be mistaken, which can happen.

It wasn’t mistaken.

Prince of Persia: the Sands of Mediocrity is the story of Jake Gyllenhaal in need of a haircut traipsing through Egpyt/New Zealand fighting off baddies with a hot princess (whoa, SEXUAL TENSION) a few choice slow-mo moves and a bunch of special effects, to return a magical dagger that can rewind time to the hot princess’s castle (which happens to be directly above the place where if you stick the dagger apparently the whole world explodes).

This would probably be a better movie... also, LOLOLOL

Plot is forgone for displays of what can be done with a computer and slow motion homages to the message board fanboys who played the video games. I still don’t know what happened at the end of the movie.  There was a lot of anguished yelling, a bunch of falling sand, a weird 10 minute segment featuring two dudes holding the dagger and yelling profusely, whilst surrounded by some kind of rainbow sand tornado that somehow resolved the conflict and sent Jake Gyllenhaal back to the beginning of the movie.

The dialog  sounds like it was written by some pale, sunken-eyed 13-year-old in his basement after doing unspeakable things while he watched Lord of the Rings.  The comic relief is forced and awkward, like the time that 13-year-old went to  the school dance and ended up peeing in the punch bowl in front of the horrified chaperones.  Somebody probably laughed, but most of them probably just looked away.

There were a few slight redeeming factors to the movie, chiefly that some of the action was pretty cool, especially if you had played the video games.  There were a couple cool moments of neat cinematography, of horses galloping through the desert, but not much effort was made in that area.

According to Prince of Persia:

-Having a beard and eyeliner inherently makes you Persian.

-No matter the time or place or number of bad guys, there is always time for a tender moment of prolonged loving eye contact and a soft embrace.

-Any problem can be solved with a bunch of yelling and some gratuitous special effects.

-Talking with a fake British accent makes everything seem historic. Because everyone in the past, especially Persians, spoke with fake, vaguely British accents.

Maybe a little harsh,

-Andrew

P.S. My viewership spike is over, so now I’m back to the normal, almost nonexistent view count, so uh, tell your friends about me.  And a huge thanks to my loyal viewers, I really appreciate the support!  If I had t-shirts to give out I would.  Anywho, enjoy your week!

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