Tag Archive: Humor

10 Trends that Need to Die

Long time no see, reader.  That is definitely my bad.  The following is a list (in no particular order) of insanely popular trends that need to get off my lawn– I mean, social media.

No offense.   ?

10.) Keep Calm and Insert Tired Witticism

It hasn’t been funny since World War Two.

9.) Gangnam Style

The original was funny, your parody video is not.

8.) Vampires

For the love of God please just stop.

7.) Insta-selfies

Girls, I’m happy you love your face from odd angles so much, but stop taking pictures of yourself with your phone and posting them with weak justifications attached. Guys, get your hand out of your pants and your ass out from in front of the bathroom mirror, you look like a tool.

Endless selfies don’t make you more attractive to the opposite sex. I am as self-absorbed as the next guy, but I realize that no one wants to see that. The Internet is not your mirror, and we both know you’re not really that bored.

6.) Enormous Headphones

It’s not the 80’s anymore.  We have the technology.

5.) Greek Chic

Girls, is that your dad’s t-shirt? And guys, that’s a nice coral-colored long sleeve tee, but are you really that into fishing and/or boating?

4.) Pumpkin Everything

I know it’s fall, but that doesn’t mean everything I consume has to taste like pumpkin pie.

3.) Internet Access Required

It seems like more and more, nothing works without internet access. What if I don’t want to be constantly connected? What if I don’t want everyone to know what I’m doing all the time.  *shifty glance in either direction*  Besides, it will just make it easier for the computers to track and destroy us when they rise up to destroy us in the future.

2.) Average Movie, Part 2

Breaking movies into multiple parts is the worst.  It’s worse than 3D.  It’s worse than The Phantom Menace, Grease 2, and Jurassic Park 3.

Splitting a movie into parts comes off like a giant middle finger to the viewer, because the studio knows you will pay full price to see both, thus doubling their box office intake.  Also most of the time, the movie doesn’t need to be split into multiple parts anyway.

Splitting the last Harry Potter in two didn’t make Daniel Radcliffe a better actor, nor did it make the endless camping scene any more interesting.  The Hobbit is the worst of the Lord of the Rings books, it most certainly does not require 3 parts.  I know Peter Jackson will do a good job, and I will pay to see all three parts, but it comes off as a shameless way to make three times the money.

…Don’t even get me started on Twilight.

1.) Glupocalypse

I’m sure some people are allergic to Gluten or whatever, but the abundance of signs advertising Gluten-free and people who avoid Gluten like the plague make me wonder how we survived as a species before we had the technology to remove Gluten from our pizza.

Kids these days,


P.S. I couldn’t find any decent, related funny pictures to rip off for this post in the five minutes I searched.  Sorry you had to suffer through that pictureless mass of words. Also sorry for not posting in the last few… months.  It happens.

Whether they stem from Hollywood or yesteryear, people have a lot of misconceptions about college.  And, as people are wont to do, they like to talk about it.   It’s not funny.  In order to help stop you from becoming one of these people (the annoying ones), I’ve created a guide.   Or rather a list of things that annoy me about college, what people think about it, and what it’s actually like to be a college student.  If you’re lucky enough to be attending a university, or have attended one in the past, hopefully you’ll take this to heart.

College college college.  God. People say college too much, there’s one.

I’m studying allll the tiiiiime.

Are you really? Why is it that when kids get to college “homework” is referred to as studying.  I understand that actual studying goes on, but in college any activity that’s school related and not in class becomes studying. Maybe it will make your grandparents proud if you call it studying, but people study from leather-bound books in musty halls steeped in knowledge. Just because you’re doing it in the Library doesn’t mean you’re studying either, you.  You’re just doing homework in the library.  Also, that essay you’re plagiarizing from Wikipedia is now a paper? That “test”an exam?

On the topic of actual studying (without the sarcastic italics), having your book open while you watch Oxygen/TLC is not actually studying.

I MUST buy a shitload of Ramen noodles, because you know, college.

Eating Ramen isn’t some wacky novelty required for college kids.  Sure it’s cheap, you’re still not quirky, funny or original.  You probably have a 1300 dollar meal plan anyway.

Wearing your college ID card around your neck.

Don’t do it, this isn’t science camp.

I stole this from somewhere, so credit to whoever.


Can you say Freshman 35?

Class is optional! :D

Have fun with that 2.0 GPA.

Some unsolicited advice? Showing up is the most important part of doing well in college, that nap/video game is not worth it.  Also, do you have any idea how much each class costs? A lot, so don’t waste it.

I have my OWN space to do whatever I want with.

Nice Beatles poster.

It’s so different from High School.

Then why do you wear a high school shirt every day? Okay that’s irrelevant, but you look like a dork,  and you should have some pride in the school you’re attending.  Anyway, College is the same shite as high school, just with more junk food and free time to waste.

Animal House!!!!

Yeah no. Decent movie, but no. That’s all I have to say about that.

College is a leftist stronghold, where the liberal, intellectual elite brainwash our nation’s (middle to upper-class) youth.

If by liberal, intellectual elite you mean the most educated citizens in America, who spend their lives in the pursuit of knowledge, science, art and learning, and by brainwash you mean teach, then yeah that’s what goes on.  There’s a reason the nation’s most educated tend to vote on the left, because their actions are based on rational thought and empirical observation, rather than emotion, fear, discrimination and self interest.

Whew, I’ll stop now.

Anybody got a pen?

Why is it that everybody in college thinks they need to use a pen? Are you now so advanced in your academic ability that you don’t make mistakes?

Formerly freshman,


“The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad.”

Mark Twain

Before I left for my international adventure, I knew I would have to blog about it, and I had no idea how I was going to do it.  Three weeks and 5 countries later, and I still have no idea where or how to start with this blog post.  As I continue writing I realize that after starting with a phrase like “international adventure,” I owe my readers an explanation, lest I sound like that worldly Facebook friend you secretly hate.  *ahem*

A  few short weeks ago, I boarded a plane to England, where I was to take a two week honors course entitled “Traveling and Telling: Mobility and the Art of Narrative,” taught at Magdalene College at Cambridge University by Oklahoma State professors.  As evidenced by the title of the course, we spent the middle weekend of the two weeks traveling to a different country, in my case Barcelona, Spain, and then returning to write about it in narrative form.  As if that weren’t pretentious enough, after the course my girlfriend and I spent ten days on our own visiting Paris, Dublin, and London. To keep the amount of content manageable (and to build the dramatic tension), I have decided to break the trip down into parts, and write separately about each part of my trip– sorry, adventure.

I’ll start off with England, where I spent both the beginning and the end of my journey.  I spent more time in England than anywhere else, and it served as sort of a cultural vestibule to Europe, its culture being similar enough to the United States’ that it was easily accessible, but different enough that it was still clearly a part Europe. The first part of my English experience consisted of the two weeks I spent in Cambridge, and the last part of my trip was a day and a half in London before our flight out.  Our stay in London was during the Olympics, and was a truly unique and multicultural experience.  Actually, it was mostly a chance to pay too much for Olympic souvenirs and walk too far for Olympic atmosphere, but it was an experience nonetheless.


-My first impression of England wasn’t a good one.  After getting past the surly customs guy at Heathrow Airport and a 50 minute subway ride through a rainy, thoroughly graffiti’d and dingy-looking London, we made it to King’s Cross Station to board our train out to Cambridge.  After a 9 hour flight and a 50 minute subway ride through a rainy, thoroughly graffiti’d and dingy-looking London, my bladder was on its last legs, but I couldn’t find a bathroom anywhere save for the one that cost 30 pence to use.

There’s not much warmth to be had in a country where it costs 30p for a wee.

-On the train from London I was struck by how quintessentially English England was.  This may seem like an odd thing to say, but rarely does something look exactly how one pictures it.  The landscape was made up of hedgerows, rolling hills and rows of identical, slightly warped-looking townhouses, straight out of Harry Potter.  It was like I was on a movie set, designed to look exactly like England.

-Cambridge, a college town so steeped in history and tradition that using the phrase “steeped in history and tradition” seems almost mandatory when describing it.

-As I walked around in Cambridge and London, I found myself very conscious of my foreignness, and my perceived global perception of Americans.  I felt like I had the stars and stripes glued to the back of my head, and that everywhere I went I had to apologize for my American. When ordering in restaurants, or talking to cashiers I felt like I had to preface everything with “Ah yes, sorry for my American but can I get an English breakfast tea?”

-My concerns weren’t entirely unfounded either, I don’t know if they hated Americans, were just having a bad day, or didn’t care enough to falsify their friendliness, but a lot of the waitstaff and service employees seemed excessively surly and in many cases what I and my vague sense of Southern Hospitality would call downright rude.

-Going to England without a rain jacket is like going to the moon without a spacesuit, except instead of your eyeballs getting sucked out you’re just wet and uncomfortable the entire time.  It never quite rained rained, it just violently drizzled every day we were there.

-Driving on the left freaks me out.

-A lot of things in England were incredibly logical and efficient, like their shower design and public transportation, but others were apparently so comically rooted in antiquity or tradition that they defied even the most basic sense of the word logic.

Faucets.  Why in the world would you need one faucet that spouts scalding hot water, and one that dispenses ice cold water in the same sink?  Neither is comfortable for hand washing, and they’re too far apart to mix them to a nice medium warm.


Also, British outlets are way too large to be practical, it takes a four foot power strip to power a basic computer setup, why does that make sense?

British money doesn’t make any sense either, I’m sure it has some historical significance, but the size of coins seems to be arbitrary.  Two pence pieces are massive, pound coins are small, ten pence pieces are larger than a pound, and nothing seems to make sense except for the composition of the coins themselves.  American and Euro coins at least roughly correlate size with value, with the larger coins being worth more than smaller ones. Normally this nonsensical sizing wouldn’t be a big deal, but because there are no bills there smaller than a five, transactions are extremely coin-centric.

-Time in Cambridge is measured in centuries rather than decades, and prices are measured in weight, rather than money.

-British Pubs are awesome, enough said.


-British food was extraordinarily bland.  I appreciate subtle flavors, but the Brits can’t handle spiciness.  I guess their stiff upper lips are too sensitive?  Not even the Indian food was spicy enough.  To survive, I had to buy some Tabasco from the grocery store and carry it around with me like a flask.

-The more time I spent in England though, the more I grew to like it, its quirks, its history, and its stiff upper lips. Despite the effect it had on my bank account, England is a place I could see myself one day, sipping some English breakfast tea, writing and minding my own business in a coffee shop on an undoubtedly rainy day.

Long-windedly yours,


P.S. It took me way too long to post this.  Pictures are coming soon, but if you can’t wait you can check (most of) them out on my Facebook page.

Most people think the Internet is pretty cool. Unless you’re of the grey-haired persuasion, in which case you think the Internet is some kind of sorcery, but still pretty cool.  I’m definitely in the pro-internet camp as well, because without cyberspace there would be no vehicle for my vanity, and my nonsense would go unheard.  For several reasons however, it’s pretty clear that the internet is decidedly in the anti-you camp.  As evidenced by the title, I am about to list 11 (of many) of those reasons.  Evidence of why the Internet, while a revolutionary feat of technology and potentially a force for good, is not by any means your friend.

11.) It constantly questions your manhood

I’m good on the viagra front, Internet. Thanks.

10.) Captcha Codes

Maybe I’m just becoming less and less human, but it seems to me like they’re getting harder and harder to read.

Though uncharacteristically easy to read, this really makes me question your motives, Internet.

9.) $1.29 songs on iTunes

Come on Apple, surely you can make those 29 cents elsewhere, I really don’t want to resort to piracy.  Though I do think I could pull off the eye patch look. *rimshot*

8.) If it seems too good to be true, it very very is

You’re not really the 10,000th visitor, Grandma. Don’t click on that pop-up.  Also, he’s not actually stuck in Africa, and he will not return your money tenfold if you help him get to America.  In real life, it’s a lot easier to tell if something is too good to be true or not.  Makeup, fake boobs, spray tan and hair gel can only go so far.

7.) Cookies

Rather than delicious confectionary creations, in cyberspace they just spy on you and slow your computer down.  Misnomer of the century.

6.) Viruses

This one is pretty blatant, but viruses of the biological variety at least allow you to stay home all day and watch movies, and can be beaten with lots of orange juice and laziness. If only computer viruses worked the same way.

Also, we both know you didn’t get that virus from Facebook.

5.) Identity Theft

To assume one’s identity in the pre-Internet world involved facial reconstruction surgery, wigs, and a well practiced evil-laugh, while online all it takes is a site that looks identical to overstock.com and a line for your credit card number.  Actually, it doesn’t even take that much, hackers can get your info from anywhere these days, from the computer skills they acquired in the hours spent in their bedrooms avoiding sunlight and females.  But remember, with great power comes zero social skills and the pallid complexion of a zombie who can’t afford acne medication.

I’m definitely going to get hacked now.


No way was 4chan created with your best interests in mind.  If those are your best interests, then maybe the internet is your friend after all.

3.) You never know who you’re actually dealing with

In real life, you can tell that the dirty man with the knife is probably about to rob and/or stab you, because you can clearly see that he’s a dirty man with a knife.  Online he goes by C011egeGurl1717, Steve Jones, or Free iPad!, and he wants to be your friend. He also wants to meet you in a dark parking lot with your PayPal account information.

That reminds me, meet me in the Wal Mart Parking lot at midnight, come alone.  To claim your free iPad of course, and maybe to hang out in a platonic, non-abducty way.

2.) It knows who you are (and where you live)

As evidenced by the increasing number of insanely specific ads one experiences whilst browsing the net, it’s pretty clear the Internet knows you better than anyone.   Using your search history, cookies, and location specific ip address, the Internet knows who you are and where you live.  The fact that it hasn’t gouged its eyes out in sheer horror after seeing the real you is the amazing part, and yet more evidence of its soul-crushing black hole of a soul.

1.)  It’s everywhere

More and more devices simply won’t work without internet, and anyone without an internet-capable smart phone doesn’t have the latest technology.  This means that wherever you go, the internet is there too.  This is convenient, and I enjoy checking my e-mail on the go as much as the next guy, but the fact remains that the Internet today is essentially inescapable.  Let’s just hope it continues to use its formidable powers for advertisements, and not something more sinister.  Here’s looking at you, Big Brother.

Let’s hope those unmarked panel vans outside are full of candy or iPads.



P.S. ARomDoms.Com rolled past 30,000 views the other day.  While that total isn’t staggeringly high for a blog that’s been running for a year and a halfish, and despite the fact that if I were a cat or a baby I would probably have 3 million by now, I appreciate every last view.  You guys are the best.  I’d also like to thank the Internet, because without you and my fingers, this blog would have never been physically possible.

I’m sick of the f-word.

Finals. Finals Finals Finals.  Stop it.  Your complaints aren’t funny or original, and everybody is tired of hearing about it.

I’m so mad I wrote a haiku. Or a… “hate-ku.”

Finals: a haiku.

everyone has them

it’s why you are in college

so quit your bitching.

That being said, everything > studying.  Hence blog post. *hypocritical sad trombone*

There should be some sort of transition here, but there isn’t.

This probably makes me an Okie, but when there’s a bunch of doomsday talk about a tornado outbreak, and all you get is a thunderstorm, it’s kind of like biting into a cookie that you thought was chocolate chip, only to find out it’s raisin.  It’s still a cookie, and it’s probably better for you, but you can’t hide the fact that you’re disappointed.

I wonder if the people who make announcements over the loudspeakers in the airport realize that no one can hear them…

Dear Caribou Coffee,

Stop dying your whipped cream.


-Andrew’s Khaki Pants

Facebook cover photos are not second profile pictures.  I am about as narcissistic as they come, but I understand that you don’t need to see a giant picture of my face on top of a smaller picture of my face when you visit my profile.  You look like some kind of self-obsessed, human Russian nesting doll.

If anyone is under the impression that I’m put together, I’m not.  I’m just good at faking it.

With all the construction on campus recently, I’m starting to think I’m actually just a guinea pig at a construction working training academy.  Like I’m being tested for how much construction equipment they can put between me and anywhere on campus I happen to be going before I snap and try to kick over a bulldozer.

My scholastic accomplishment for the year was turning a bulleted, incoherent list that took up 3/4th’s of a page into a ten page research paper in one night.  I would say something cliché about procrastination, but by using the words cliché and procrastination in a sentence together I already did.  YOU’RE SO CLEVER, average Facebook user.

You've probably seen this before, but still. Fiery dismemberment not included.

Super excited for the Avengers this Friday,


P.S. Also excited for Summer.  And sentence fragments.

*Note: no Belize puns were abused in the making of this blog post.

After spending the majority of Winter Break playing Skyrim and ruminating about my lack of substantial collegiate success and international experience, I spontaneously signed up for a Spring Break service-learning course in Belize: International Perspectives in Health.  The aim of the course was teaching health education and disease prevention at St. Mary’s Primary School in Belize City, it would last 8 days, and it took place over spring break.  With no experience teaching health education or primary school children, no previous international experience, and no idea what to expect, I wrote a check for most of my savings, Googled Belize, and boarded a plane to Central America.

Pardon the rust, it’s been awhile.

Damn, I forgot my DS and I’m already in the airport! :O Good thing there’s this handy dandy electronics vending machine! You know, I’m in the mood for a digital camera too, what the hell.  Thanks, Best Buy Express! :D

Apparently there’s a shortage of air marshals on commercial flights? My theory is that instead of training more air marshals, the TSA has taken to training babies to cry continuously, and placing them on every commercial flight instead.  That way a potential terrorist is more likely to shoot himself 30 minutes into the flight instead of attempting a hijacking.

The airport in Belize was way more chill than airports in the US.  In Belize, you just waltz up to your plane on the tarmac.  If you feel like boarding in the back, sure.  In the front? That works too! In the US it’s like boarding a freaking spaceship, if spaceships were filled with old ladies carrying a hundred pounds of bricks in their carry-ons.

There are two types of people on the road in Belize: people on bikes, and people trying to run you over.

America, Y U NO HAVE WATERMELON JUICE??? So grood (great and good).

Fitting for the year in which we traveled, we visited the Mayan ruins of Altun Ha. It’s never good when out of the entire group, the guide learns your name.  Because I tended to loiter and take pictures behind the rest of the group, we were addressed as a group as “Nice People… and Andrew.”

Also, never trust a local who offers you an unnamed pepper, straight off of a plant.  She just wants to see you cry.  Or maybe she just wants to see Andrew cry.

Belize was amazing.  Out of the one foreign countries I’ve been to, it is far and away my favorite.

No really, it’s difficult to write about because it was so awesome.  My usual style of humor is just stylized complaining, and there isn’t much to complain about Belize.  The food was great, the hotel was nice, the country was beautiful,  the culture was awesome, and the people were friendly.

By the end I had turned into a mosquito-buffet, cooked well-done by the Caribbean sun, but that was the fault of a lack of bug spray and my pasty Scandinavian heritage.

Because I am so incredibly busy with school at the moment (32 pages worth of essays to write and counting), I’m going to be lazy with this blog and insert a gallery with some of the pictures I took while on the trip.  Enjoy.

Captions coming later…. maybe.

International man of mediocrity,


I was going to write an Ash Wednesday themed post, about humorous things to give up for Lent, but then I missed Ash Wednesday and wrote this instead.  Wah Wah.

I hate it when I accomplish something not on my to-do list, because then I don’t get the satisfaction of crossing it off my to-do list, which is like 70 percent of my motivation for getting things done.

On a related note, I never remember to actually put things on my to-do list, so I live with this constant feeling that I’m forgetting something.

I miss the days when my biggest worry was forgetting my show and tell object or getting caught picking my nose on the playground.

The socially awkward college student’s guide to seeing an acquaintance you don’t want to talk to in a public place

1.) Did you make eye contact?

If no, proceed to A, if yes, to B

A.) Look away, pretend to compose text message, avoid eye contact.

B.) Look away, pretend to compose text message, avoid eye contact.

Last Wednesday was Ash Wednesday I think, but I’m not sure, since I gave up Catholic holidays for Lent.

You know how teachers always say there’s no such thing as a stupid question? Yeah that’s not true, your question is stupid, and I’m getting frustrated.

I know it’s election season, but that doesn’t give you free reign to spam my Facebook news feed with your, ahem, OPINION.  Stating your political views on your profile are all I need.  Just because you attach a sarcastic and witty tagline to your pseudo-scientific “news” doesn’t make it true, and it certainly doesn’t make me believe it.  Contrary to what you undoubtedly believe, you are not the arbiter of right and wrong, fact and fiction.  Unless you (and Ron Paul apparently) are the only people in the world who can think objectively, stop spamming my news feed with your thinly veiled propaganda you Obama-hating, Glen Beck-believing, unambiguously racist, blathering tool(s).

I don’t pretend to be unbiased, nobody really is, but I don’t shove it down the throats of those unfortunate enough to friend me on Facebook.

IN CONCLUSION, I don’t want to hide your posts, I really don’t, but Facebook is for cat videos, memes, humorous insights into life, and relationship drama, not endless one-way mini rants presented as fact.  Get over yourselves or face my timid, indirect wrath.

Whew, passive aggression is exhausting.



P.S. I didn’t add any pictures to this post because I’m sick of the meme-frenzy that has overtaken Facebook.  I’m not saying I’m a meme hipster, and I get many a chuckle from them, but memes were better before they were half of Facebook.

So I haven’t posted in a while.  In fact, I missed the holiday season entirely, and not even by a little bit.  I could blame the lack of a holiday post on Skyrim and mopery, and college life for my lack of inspiration afterwards, but when you really boil it down it comes to laziness.  Long time readers however, might remember that today is not only my 80th post, but the one year anniversary of my first post (woot!), but then again they might not.  I feel guilty that it takes a year anniversary to get me to actually post, but I am a terrible blogger.


I’ve decided I need to set aside my humdrummery and lack of initiative and post some mediocre holiday and January-themed material before SOPAPOCALYPSE ruins the internet, so lucky you. (Yeah… I started writing this before all that went down, oops.)

What's scarier than being home alone? THE FUTURE.


If there’s one thing I love about this time of year, it’s the Parody Holiday music. In fact, it might just be my favorite part of the holiday season!  Just like sweaty balls and getting sunscreen in my eyes are my favorite parts of the summer season..

I know Batman smells, but next year try to resist the urge.  Also anything by the chipmunks, just…. don’t.  Please.

Actually now that I think about it, I’m not really a fan of any holiday music.  That might be a part of it.


Giving someone cash for Christmas screams, “I forgot to get you a gift,” but it’s also like a gift card to the world, so it’s okay.

Do you remember the Captain Crunch Oops, All Berries cereal? Well I’ve still got my fingers crossed for Lucky Charms Oops, All Marshmallows cereal. Save me the work of sorting out all the marshmallows myself, geez.

I hate answering my phone when I don’t recognize the number. Most of the time I don’t, because I hate unfamiliarity, and there’s that tiny little nagging doubt in the back of my head that it was Publisher’s Clearing house informing me I had won a million dollars, or future Andrew telling me what stocks to buy and who wins the Super Bowl.  If that ever happens, LEAVE A MESSAGE, FUTURE ANDREW.

I'll probably be haunted eternally by His Excellency's ghost for this, but I couldn't resist. Thank you kimjongillookingatthings.tumblr.com

Have you ever noticed that in movies, whenever they show something on the news at the beginning of the movie that seems out of context, IT ALWAYS COMES BACK LATER? You would think that Bruce Willis would just stop watching the news at some point.

There’s something cathartic about shredding paper all afternoon at work.  There’s also something tedious and mind-numbingly boring about it.  Definitely more of the latter.

On a more somber note, as I edge closer to my scholarly goals of success and future employment, I may need to tone down the vulgarity on my blog..  Although it’s usually fairly minor, not everyone appreciates such *colorful* descriptions as I so frequently posit.

I hope it doesn’t lead to the extinction of ARomDoms.Com, but it is the year of the apocalypse, so if for some tragic reason my academic aspirations bring about the end of my bloggish ones, you have bigger concerns anyway.

All that said, it’s been an interesting year writing this blog.  So much has changed since I first posted in my gloomy dorm in Parker Hall, and most of it for the better.  Thank you to everybody who has stopped by over the last year, your indulgence of my verbal spillage, and the subsequent wasting of your valuable free time, has contributed greatly to my mental health (and ego).  I am eternally grateful.

Humbled and slightly less bored,


First off, I have to say I know nothing about fashion, so take this post with a grain of salt and don’t get your knickers in a twist. Then again if you’re actually wearing “knickers” you’ll probably want to stop reading anyway, because I think the internet is against your religion, along with electricity and humor.

Before you say anything, I very rarely use the word faux pas, so no worries there. Though that’s more out of an admittedly unreasonable disdain for French culture than out of a lack of sophistication.

I also realize that fall is almost over, and that this post would probably have been more relevant earlier in the season, but I couldn’t resist the opportunity for alliteration in the title. Actually, it was mostly a result of busyness/laziness more than the need for alliteration.  I started this post in the midst of fall, when it was extremely relevant, but I never got around to finishing it until now. Oops.


As we get closer to winter, people sip apple cider and start dust off their cold weather clothes . The following should serve as a guide as you prepare to venture out into the judgmental world in your new fall fashions.

~in no particular order~

1.) Leggings as Pants

You might as well not wear pants, because we can see everything. EVERYTHING. Have some class, leave something to the imagination.

Also, my girlfriend says you shouldn’t wear brown boots with them, because everyone knows you shouldn’t wear brown and black together. Come on now.

2.) Ski Masks

Is it -20 outside? Are we in the midst of a blizzard? Are you competing in the Iditarod? Are you robbing a bank? Are you skiing?



(I am in no way condoning bank robbery, that’s not cool either.)

3.) Flip Flops

Unless you’re a Hobbit, why does it make sense to go barefoot when it’s cold outside? When you really think about it, does wearing long pants and flip flops really make sense? Are you climbing Mount Doom?

Are your feet really just that attractive? !!Spoiler alert!! No.  No they’re not.

4.) Denim on Denim

It’s not the 90’s anymore thank god, so you can throw away your Canadian Tuxedo along with your Hanson cd’s. The denim jacket and jeans combo is no longer acceptable, so let it die like Britney spears and Nirvana. What is this, a Wrangler commercial?

I can't believe I lived in a time where people thought it was okay to dress like this. You'd be better off wearing a dress made of raw meat. Wait....

5.) Shorts

I know you’re proud of your hairless calves, you testosteroneless man-child, but no one actually thinks it’s funny or novel. Find a new way to get attention before you catch Pneumonia.

6.) Fingerless Gloves

Because gloves that keep your fingers warm are too mainstream?  You look like a hobo.

7.) Animal Hats

Girls and Children– this does not apply to you, keep wearing your hats that look like animals, you look adorable.

Guys– you look like you’re trying to lure children and girls into your windowless panel van.  It doesn’t look cute, at best it looks like a desperate stab at attention-getting novelty. Put on your man hat.

But not your Indiana Jones man hat, unless you were alive in the 50’s, it looks like you’re wearing a costume.

8.) Rain Boots

I don’t have any problem with rain boots in practical situations, but if there aren’t any puddles, and it isn’t raining, why would you wear rain boots? You look silly. SILLY.

“AH! There’s a cloud in the sky! I must prepare for the great flood! And the only way to do that is by wearing a windbreaker and rain boots! Exclamation point!”

9.) Dark, Possibly Leather Trench Coats

This is not the first time I’ve mentioned these. At best, You look like a creep.

10.) Just…. No.

Because putting on both pants and a sweatshirt is such an inconvenience. And look, I don't even have to take off my onesy to poop!

It’s been way too long,


P.S. Why don’t they just take the “C” out of BCS, because that acronym is more accurate.  Proud of my Big 12 Champion Cowboys, who this past weekend DESTROYED a classless Sooner team, who tried to block our players from coming out of the tunnel before the game even started, and who routinely punched them in the stomach after the whistle was blown.

1.) I can smell you before I see you

Bad: I can smell your Axe around the corner. I can also smell excessive hair gel and loneliness.

Worse: It smells like something crawled into your shorts and died. Like the part of my soul you killed walking into the room.  Seriously take like five showers.

2.) Inappropriate Facial Hair

Bad: You don’t look sophisticated or ironic, you look like a pedophile.

Worse: Is that a forehead moustache or a caterpillar? It looks like your eyebrows are mating…

You heard me. Pedo. Stache.

3.) Your ass hangs out of the bottom of your shorts

Bad: You’ve caught my attention, but you look like a skank.

Worse: Oh dear God, where’s the eye bleach??

4.) Your artificial tan is painfully obvious

Bad: You look hispanic, you used to look like Wonder Bread (I should know).

Worse: You look like Tito from Rocket Power. Or a carrot. A disgusting, cancerous carrot.

I used to watch a lot of Nickelodeon.

5.) Prolonged eye contact with strangers

Bad: Elevator staring contest.

Worse: Few things are more uncomfortable than amorous eye contact from a stranger in a public restroom.

6.) Your stomach hangs out underneath your shirt (get a larger shirt)

Bad:  Are you… pregnant?

Worse: Like a can of biscuits.

7.) You Look Like a Serial Killer

Bad: Why do you carry a switchblade in your pocket? There is literally no reason you would ever need that in a dorm.  And no, nobody thinks it’s badass or cool in any way.

Worse: Do you really need that leather trench coat? Also wash your hair and try to look less zombie-like.

Please don’t kill me.

You do not look like this.

You Pressure Me to Blog

Bad: I actually don’t mind, I need the motivation.

Worse: I’ll be honest here, this is just a cop out because I couldn’t think of ten things.

It’s been way too long,


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