First off, I have to say I know nothing about fashion, so take this post with a grain of salt and don’t get your knickers in a twist. Then again if you’re actually wearing “knickers” you’ll probably want to stop reading anyway, because I think the internet is against your religion, along with electricity and humor.

Before you say anything, I very rarely use the word faux pas, so no worries there. Though that’s more out of an admittedly unreasonable disdain for French culture than out of a lack of sophistication.

I also realize that fall is almost over, and that this post would probably have been more relevant earlier in the season, but I couldn’t resist the opportunity for alliteration in the title. Actually, it was mostly a result of busyness/laziness more than the need for alliteration.  I started this post in the midst of fall, when it was extremely relevant, but I never got around to finishing it until now. Oops.

Anywho,

As we get closer to winter, people sip apple cider and start dust off their cold weather clothes . The following should serve as a guide as you prepare to venture out into the judgmental world in your new fall fashions.

~in no particular order~

1.) Leggings as Pants

You might as well not wear pants, because we can see everything. EVERYTHING. Have some class, leave something to the imagination.

Also, my girlfriend says you shouldn’t wear brown boots with them, because everyone knows you shouldn’t wear brown and black together. Come on now.

2.) Ski Masks

Is it -20 outside? Are we in the midst of a blizzard? Are you competing in the Iditarod? Are you robbing a bank? Are you skiing?

No?

THEN DON’T WEAR A SKI MASK, YOU CREEPER YOU.

(I am in no way condoning bank robbery, that’s not cool either.)

3.) Flip Flops

Unless you’re a Hobbit, why does it make sense to go barefoot when it’s cold outside? When you really think about it, does wearing long pants and flip flops really make sense? Are you climbing Mount Doom?

Are your feet really just that attractive? !!Spoiler alert!! No.  No they’re not.

4.) Denim on Denim

It’s not the 90’s anymore thank god, so you can throw away your Canadian Tuxedo along with your Hanson cd’s. The denim jacket and jeans combo is no longer acceptable, so let it die like Britney spears and Nirvana. What is this, a Wrangler commercial?

I can't believe I lived in a time where people thought it was okay to dress like this. You'd be better off wearing a dress made of raw meat. Wait....

5.) Shorts

I know you’re proud of your hairless calves, you testosteroneless man-child, but no one actually thinks it’s funny or novel. Find a new way to get attention before you catch Pneumonia.

6.) Fingerless Gloves

Because gloves that keep your fingers warm are too mainstream?  You look like a hobo.

7.) Animal Hats

Girls and Children– this does not apply to you, keep wearing your hats that look like animals, you look adorable.

Guys– you look like you’re trying to lure children and girls into your windowless panel van.  It doesn’t look cute, at best it looks like a desperate stab at attention-getting novelty. Put on your man hat.

But not your Indiana Jones man hat, unless you were alive in the 50’s, it looks like you’re wearing a costume.

8.) Rain Boots

I don’t have any problem with rain boots in practical situations, but if there aren’t any puddles, and it isn’t raining, why would you wear rain boots? You look silly. SILLY.

“AH! There’s a cloud in the sky! I must prepare for the great flood! And the only way to do that is by wearing a windbreaker and rain boots! Exclamation point!”

9.) Dark, Possibly Leather Trench Coats

This is not the first time I’ve mentioned these. At best, You look like a creep.

10.) Just…. No.

Because putting on both pants and a sweatshirt is such an inconvenience. And look, I don't even have to take off my onesy to poop!

It’s been way too long,

-Andrew

P.S. Why don’t they just take the “C” out of BCS, because that acronym is more accurate.  Proud of my Big 12 Champion Cowboys, who this past weekend DESTROYED a classless Sooner team, who tried to block our players from coming out of the tunnel before the game even started, and who routinely punched them in the stomach after the whistle was blown.

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I prefer the term eccentric, but crazy is the spice of life. Life hacks are just easy little things you can do to make your life slightly easier or more efficient. Solving life’s little problems if you will. Since I tend to be somewhat spacey, I use some weird but effective methods function on a day-to-day basis. And some of them I will probably make up for humor because I can’t think of ten.

At least I’m honest.

1.) Problems with lateness?

Play exciting soundtrack music while when you’re driving. I reccomend pretty much anything Hans Zimmer, but James Bond does the trick too. You’ll feel like you’re in an action movie, and your groggy drive to school becomes an epic race against the clock. I won’t pay your speeding tickets though. So…watch out for that.

Also, set your alarm clock 15 minutes fast. You’ll be too groggy to remember you changed it in the morning, so you’ll freak out and move extra fast.

2.) Can’t remember things?

Guys: You look like a tool with your planner and highlighters everywhere, and that only works if you carry a purse around. I’m all for gender equality, but come on. Write stuff in pen on the back of your hand, wash it off after you do that thing. Works every time.

Girls: keep carrying that planner and those highlighters around because I’ll probably forget something and have to ask you.

3.) Worried about smelling bad?

Wear deodorant. Contrary to what you might think, smelling like crap doesn’t make you more attractive to the opposite sex. This one might make me seem like a crazy person, but I keep deodorant just about everywhere I might need it. Got a few sticks in the car, some in my trumpet case, and an obscene amount in my room. Too much. It’s a condition. But hey, at least I smell good. (I hope…)

4.) Acne? Fatness?

Drink lots of water. This one is medically certified and you can look it up just about anywhere, but drinking plenty of water is one of the major keys to being healthy. I know, water is boring, but if you at least drink less soda, and more water you’ll be better off. Drink more water than you think you need. Drink it when you’re not thirsty. I guarantee it will help clear your face up, you’ll be less obese, and you’ll be much healthier overall.

5.) Feeling sick?

Now this one I can’t vouch for medically, but it’s kept me from getting sick for at least 3 years. I can’t even remember the last time I got actually sick. When you start to feel sick, drink a big glass of orange juice, take two ibuprofen, and refuse to believe that you’re sick. Just forget about it. Then throughout the day drink as much water as possible, and take a little more ibuprofen if you need to. Continue this each morning until you feel better. Works like a charm if you believe it, because 60% (I made that statistic up) of illness is mental.

It also helps if you’re The Chosen One.

6.) Bad eating habit?

Eat so much of that thing that you get physically ill. Then I guarantee you won’t want to eat it again. Just thinking about chicken wings makes me want to puke.

7.) Depressed?

Beat the crap out of something (please not someone). Well, that’s not entirely true, just get active. Pushups, running, tennis, walking, anything works. Nothing relieves stress for me better than racquetball, where you can hit a rubber ball as hard as you possibly can, and it keeps coming back to you. Kind of like…. ahhh, that would be in poor taste.

8.) Hate feeling stupid when you talk to people?

Watching the news or reading the paper is boring, so I just set my home page to CNN or nytimes.com. Any time you get on your computer to check your Facebook, play Neopets, or whatever you do on the internet behind that locked door (you freak), you’ll see the world’s most major headlines. Always useful for general small talk or sounding smartish.

9.) Your ego too big for Facebook? Way too much free time?

Try blogging, you narcissistic jerk. Okay this isn’t a real tip, I just sincerely hope that’s not how my blog comes across.

10.) Trouble thinking of ten things?

Just put the word “almost” in front of the word “ten,” and people won’t realize they’ve been cheated. Sorry people.

;

It’s too nice outside to blog ,

And I’m hungry,

But mostly lazy,

-Andrew

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