Tag Archive: sidewalk


I suppose these aren’t really volumes per se, rather a short collection of semi-coherent thoughts on a similar subject,

but I digress.

(The following was written yesterday, but the “publish” button was mysteriously unclicked…. oops. The parenthesis’d words were added today) An unprecedented two posts in two days! Wow, yay me, right? Anyone remember the last time I posted twice in two days? Yeah neither do I, I think it was February-ish.  Back when blogging filled me with a childlike sense of wonderment and imagination.

So anyway, today is part two of (the day before) yesterday’s post. Actually it’s mostly the stuff I was going to write (the day before) yesterday, but either A. It got washed off my hand where I had scribbled it to remember it, or B. It didn’t make it onto my hand in the first place. My writing process is pretty state of the art.

Moving on…

-You know when you’re following someone up a fairly tall and steep flight of stairs, and your climbing pace is just such that their ass is directly in front of your face for the entire climb? Yeah I hate that.

-I was driving on an errand at work today, and this larger woman on a bicycle was bicycling along in front of me towards the side of the road.  Normally that would have been fine.  That was her right as a bicyclist, and obesity is frequently beyond the control of the obese. It’s like a disease, I get that. Okay. BUT, it wasn’t fine.

For one, because of the ill-fitting nature of her sweatpants, half of her ass was out, and the physics of being on a bike seat did not help the image burned forever onto my retinas.  Secondly, because she was so large, I couldn’t really get around her, for fear of hitting the oncoming traffic.  Finally, she was pedaling in a comically low gear, so that no matter how fast her substantial legs pedaled, she might as well have been on a stationary bike.

I’m sorry, but that just doesn’t work for me.

-I never thought I’d say it, but skateboards are now just hipster longboards.  The fixed-gear bike of the boarding world if you will.

-Have you ever seen someone who looks really good from one angle, but really freaky from every other?

Just don’t turn your head, I’ll use my imagination.

-Dear Guy in Adjacent Shower Stall Who Shot Several Snot Rockets Whilst Showering,

YOU ARE A DISGUSTING, UNLOVABLE MONSTER.

Sincerely,

-Andrew

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I’m in college.  I walk to class.  There are lots of other people who do the same.  The following are some observations from my walks to and from class today.

-Do you ever accidentally say something you’re thinking out loud? Today these two girls were walking obnoxiously slowly in front of me, and I accidentally said “Jesus Christ…..” under my breath as I passed by. Apparently it was audible because they only moved out of my way after a very sassy apology.

-So I was Facebook creeping on someone today, someone who I’ve never spoken to in any venue, digital or flesh.  Humorously, the only conclusion I could draw about this person after looking at every single one of his/her profile pictures was,  “What a f******g weirdo.” I realize I’m a horrible person, we’ve acknowledged that, but some people just don’t have a single redeeming value, and thus can only be described as a f******g weirdo. (Don’t worry though, if you’re reading this, you have a redeeming value.) Don’t get me wrong, weirdness can be a good thing, but when it’s not at all funny or entertaining, and utterly unexplainable, that’s when it crosses into the realm of undesirable.

[This is where the picture would go if I hadn’t been too lazy to find one.]

-That awkward moment when you’re walking at a pace that’s just slightly faster than the person in front of you, they’re swinging their arms as they walk, and all of a sudden as you move to pass them they swing their arm a little too far and there is a brief moment of hand-to-junk contact with a stranger.  Yeah that’s always uncomfortable.

-I have never understood the Fraternity and Sorority system, the different letters and such.  Apart from an apparent surplus of doucheassery and pastel, it’s all Greek to me. *rimshot*

Sorry bro, that was an over-generalization for comedic purposes, don’t get your pink, flat front shorts in a twist (you fashionista you). Besides, how fun is the word “doucheassery”??

-Man, I hate it when someone is texting and walking right in front of you when you’re late to class, and they somehow predict your passing maneuvers and block you at every attempt.

-See someone you recognize walking to class, half-assedly say their name.  30 steps later realize that’s not their name.

Socially awkward sophomore,

-Andrew

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