Why would you want to unleash your inner douche you ask? An excellent question, wise reader, but sadly one that I don’t have the answer to.  No one knows why douche-bags exist, but we do know how.  The following is a guide towards douche-dom, written in the persona of a doucher who is writing a guide on how to be a winner, and is an attempt to explore the very nature of their existence.

If any of the following offend you, you might be a douche.

::Please don’t try this at home::

(In no particular order)

10.) Fart Loudly and Intentionally Around Other People

Because it’s effing hilarious.

9.) Don’t Signal When You Turn or Change Lanes

You’re a good enough driver you don’t have to signal, the other tards on the road should just get out of your way.  Your morning drive to work is just like The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, you beast.

8.) Bathe in Axe© Brand Body Spray

It totally makes you smell manlier than real cologne, because a lady who smells you will know you have at least 6 bucks to spend on extra deodorant.  Don’t bother cleaning yourself either, because it’ll cover up whatever bad smells you have on you.

7.) Dress for Success

Your shirts should all have at least one skull, rose, or naked woman on it, and if possible it should have something written in large silver letters n the back.  Oh and buy it two sizes too small, your rippling abs won’t be visible otherwise.

You can always just go shirtless all the time too; showcase your raw power with a little baby oil.

6.) Listen to Nickelback

Because he doesn’t sound like a sissy.

5.) Be a Sooner fan

Oh come on, you had to have seen this one coming. ;)

4.) Talk Loudly On Your Cell Phone in Public Places

You’ve got important business to do, people’s stupid conversations and movies can wait.

3.) Jackass 1, 2, 0r 3

Is your favorite movie.

2.) Grammar Shmammar

dont follow the rules, grammar is for nerds, nothing is as intimidating as a threatening run-on sentence with  ARbiTrarY cApitaLIZation and lots of comas, .

tlk in txt spk 2, u got no time 4 ppls crap or thr vowels.

ur not dum u jst dnt test well.

1.) Your Vehicle = Your Manhood

It’s a fact that the size/loudness of your car directly corresponds to the size of your man parts.

No offense,


Did I mention spray tanning and copious amounts of hair gel?

P.S. This shouldn’t by any means be considered an exhaustive list of qualities required for douchiness.  In fact, it has opened sort of a can of worms and I could write about this for days.  As a result, most likely coming soon: A (very incomplete) List of Things That Annoy The Hell Out of Me.