Tag Archive: Sarcasm


Wanna look awesome? Wanna impress all your friends? Wanna meet girls? Of course you do, who doesn’t? It’s a scientific fact that ladies are attracted to awesome, and by the end of this blog post you’ll be exactly that.  Knee deep in… female companionship

(As per usual, not in any particular order)

::WARNING:: This guide will make you so awesome that your friends and family might be intimidated by your presence and feel uncomfortable talking to you, and the constant stream of female attention can be exhausting.  Don’t come crying to me when you’re friends respect you too much and you can’t ever sleep because you have to have sex with so many supermodels. You’ve been warned.

Oh and you should probably give your keys to me so you don’t accidentally lose them whilst doing something awesome. Just to be safe.

To the owner of the 1999 Dodge Neon parked diagonally in two spaces in my lot, this one is for you.

10.) Survival skills.

What’s the first thing you think of when you think Bear Grylls? Badass? Hardcore? AWESOME? Well when he’s not surviving in the wilderness, Bear has to survive constant barrages of sexual advances from beautiful women.  You already know everything you need to know, you’ve watched the show, so take it to the next level!  Have your friend blindfold you and drive you out into the wilderness, drop you off and drive away.  When you make it back to civilization, awesome.

9.) Anabolic Dietary Supplements.

I mean drugs, lots and lots of drugs.  Steroids, Crystal Meth, Heroine, everything.  You’ll be huge, happy, and twice as fast as everyone else around you.

8.) Base jumping.

What’s more badass than base jumping? I’ll tell you what: Base jumping with an umbrella for a parachute.  Just picture yourself floating gracefully and awesomely down in front of Jessica Alba’s house.  Chea. Don’t forget your sunglasses.

7.) Steal a car.

I know you’ve played Grand Theft Auto.  Steal a normal car, cool.  Steal a cop car? cooler.  Steal a tank? AWESOME.

6.) Fly a helicopter into the sunset.

You’ve totally seen enough movies to do it without dying in a fiery helicopter crash.

5.) Go to space.

Build a rocket, go to space. It’ll work for sure.  Just think about that Facebook status: “Just left the atmosphere in my homemade rocket ship, lol I just got Tang in my eye! Zero gravity is awesome!!!1!”

4.) Blow up a large building.

Make sure to walk slowly away from the explosion without looking.

3.) Play Frogger.

Not on a computer, you nerd!  Way more awesome on an eight lane highway.

2.) Dodge bullets.

Haven’t you seen the Matrix? That was based on a true story!

1.) Punch a Grizzly bear in the nose.

How else can you win in a fist fight with a Grizzly bear?

Awesomely yours,

-Andrew

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Going on a big Valentine’s Day date with a beautiful girl tonight? The following are a few entirely true and very useful tips to use on your Valentine’s Day date!  This one is ironically dedicated to all my fellow singles out there.
(not in any particular order)
1.) Make your date feel special.
Check out other girls on your date.  You’ll make her feel special by mentally comparing her to the other women you see.  Hey, you’re not on a date with them even though you could be if you wanted to!
2.) Arrive fashionably late.
At least 20 minutes, the suspense will make her want you more.
3.) Be spontaneous.
Girls are embarrassed by elaborate, thoughtful gifts and love letters.  She’ll enjoy the spontaneity and simplicity of your “Happy Valentines Day!” hastily scribbled on a napkin under the table.  You don’t have a pen? You can always just write it in barbecue sauce, and it’ll be that much more special. 

I used a marker, but anything works really. She'll be wooed your spontaneity and improvisational skills. .

4.) Dress down.
Women get self conscious around people who are better dressed than they are.  You can avoid that blow to her self-esteem by dressing down.  Your pizza-stained sweats and baggy Motley Crue t-shirt will have her feeling like a princess.
5.) Be honest.
That dress DOES make your ass look huge.
6.) Smell like a winner.
Don’t shower or wear deodorant.  PHEROMONES. It’s a scientific fact that you’ll do it like cave people later.
7.) Nobody likes awkward silence.
To avoid this, you should never stop talking about yourself.
8.) Be safe!
Have your mom drive you.  Who knows if you’ll be drinking or not, so it’s better to be safe than sorry! She can make sure everything goes alright from the adjacent table too. Besides, what’s more romantic than having a chauffeur?
9.) Showcase your talent.
Not your boring talent, like singing or guitar playing, chances are she’s already seen them.  No, show her a unique talent.  Can you make hilarious farting noises with your hands? She’ll laugh till she cries! Can you burp the alphabet? Show her! Can you eat an entire hamburger in two bites? Prove it! Can you do a mean truffle shuffle? Do at the table! She’ll love that she has such a uniquely talented date.
10.)Break the ice.
Mention my blog.  Everybody who’s anybody reads it, so it’ll be a good conversation starter.  Make sure to mention my quirky, yet sensitive sense of humor.  Girls also like to talk about attractive men, so it couldn’t hurt to bring a picture of me either.
Sentimental on the inside, yet sarcastically yours,
-Andrew

I’ve been pretending to be a smart person for years, and in the process I’ve learned some things.  The following are some simple, easy-t0-use tips to fool your teachers and acquaintances into thinking you’re more intelligent than you are! (Not necessarily in order of importance.)

1o.) Use statistics as often as possible.

67% of statistics are made up anyway.  No one is going to bother to check on your facts, so throw down those numbers like you’re an almanac.

9.) Keep your mouth shut.

If in doubt about using a statistic, you can’t look stupid if you don’t say anything. Something that helps this illusion is if you unfocus your eyes and sort of stare into the distance, as if you’re lost in deep thought.

8.) Carry a book around.

Not a textbook, not Twilight, but a book book that you’re supposedly reading purely for pleasure.  Maybe something from the realm of Literature (italics denote sophistication). You may want to read spoilers on the internet in case someone tries to discuss it with you, but you can always just make an abstract comment about the character development or the diction.

7.) Go to a respected News Source (the New York Times, The Washington Post, etc.) and read some headlines.

Knowing that something happened is more important than knowing why or how it happened.

6.) Go to coffee shops.

Bring your laptop.  Be seen.  Disguise the fact that you’re actually on Facebook.

6.5.) Drink coffee.

Smart people drink coffee, right? But don’t put a bunch of crap in it, smart people are mature enough to enjoy the flavor of coffee black.

5.) Laugh at jokes you don’t understand.

One atom says to the other, “I think I lost an electron!” The other says “Are you sure?” “Yes! I’m positive!”  Laugh, it’s a chemistry joke.

4.) Mention quantum physics.

The context doesn’t matter, it’s too complex for anyone except quantum physicists to really carry on a conversation about. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quantum_physics

3.) Wikipedia is your friend.

Forget what slanderous things your teachers have told you about Wikipedia, it’s correct 100% of the time, 85% of the time.  But seriously, Wikipedia has information about anything you could ever possibly want to know.

2.) Wear glasses.

Not 3D glasses, you damn hipster.

1.) Talk loudly and often about the things you know, and shut up about the things you don’t (activate your cloaking device if you have one).

Simple and effective, this one comes in handy all the time, and I can personally guarantee it’s effectiveness.

Exhibit A. Wait a minute.... I've, I've discovered their secret.... OH DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!?

Pseudo-intelligently yours,

-Andrew