1.) I can smell you before I see you

Bad: I can smell your Axe around the corner. I can also smell excessive hair gel and loneliness.

Worse: It smells like something crawled into your shorts and died. Like the part of my soul you killed walking into the room.  Seriously take like five showers.

2.) Inappropriate Facial Hair

Bad: You don’t look sophisticated or ironic, you look like a pedophile.

Worse: Is that a forehead moustache or a caterpillar? It looks like your eyebrows are mating…

You heard me. Pedo. Stache.

3.) Your ass hangs out of the bottom of your shorts

Bad: You’ve caught my attention, but you look like a skank.

Worse: Oh dear God, where’s the eye bleach??

4.) Your artificial tan is painfully obvious

Bad: You look hispanic, you used to look like Wonder Bread (I should know).

Worse: You look like Tito from Rocket Power. Or a carrot. A disgusting, cancerous carrot.

I used to watch a lot of Nickelodeon.

5.) Prolonged eye contact with strangers

Bad: Elevator staring contest.

Worse: Few things are more uncomfortable than amorous eye contact from a stranger in a public restroom.

6.) Your stomach hangs out underneath your shirt (get a larger shirt)

Bad:  Are you… pregnant?

Worse: Like a can of biscuits.

7.) You Look Like a Serial Killer

Bad: Why do you carry a switchblade in your pocket? There is literally no reason you would ever need that in a dorm.  And no, nobody thinks it’s badass or cool in any way.

Worse: Do you really need that leather trench coat? Also wash your hair and try to look less zombie-like.

Please don’t kill me.

You do not look like this.

You Pressure Me to Blog

Bad: I actually don’t mind, I need the motivation.

Worse: I’ll be honest here, this is just a cop out because I couldn’t think of ten things.

It’s been way too long,