Tag Archive: Facebook

I was going to write an Ash Wednesday themed post, about humorous things to give up for Lent, but then I missed Ash Wednesday and wrote this instead.  Wah Wah.

I hate it when I accomplish something not on my to-do list, because then I don’t get the satisfaction of crossing it off my to-do list, which is like 70 percent of my motivation for getting things done.

On a related note, I never remember to actually put things on my to-do list, so I live with this constant feeling that I’m forgetting something.

I miss the days when my biggest worry was forgetting my show and tell object or getting caught picking my nose on the playground.

The socially awkward college student’s guide to seeing an acquaintance you don’t want to talk to in a public place

1.) Did you make eye contact?

If no, proceed to A, if yes, to B

A.) Look away, pretend to compose text message, avoid eye contact.

B.) Look away, pretend to compose text message, avoid eye contact.

Last Wednesday was Ash Wednesday I think, but I’m not sure, since I gave up Catholic holidays for Lent.

You know how teachers always say there’s no such thing as a stupid question? Yeah that’s not true, your question is stupid, and I’m getting frustrated.

I know it’s election season, but that doesn’t give you free reign to spam my Facebook news feed with your, ahem, OPINION.  Stating your political views on your profile are all I need.  Just because you attach a sarcastic and witty tagline to your pseudo-scientific “news” doesn’t make it true, and it certainly doesn’t make me believe it.  Contrary to what you undoubtedly believe, you are not the arbiter of right and wrong, fact and fiction.  Unless you (and Ron Paul apparently) are the only people in the world who can think objectively, stop spamming my news feed with your thinly veiled propaganda you Obama-hating, Glen Beck-believing, unambiguously racist, blathering tool(s).

I don’t pretend to be unbiased, nobody really is, but I don’t shove it down the throats of those unfortunate enough to friend me on Facebook.

IN CONCLUSION, I don’t want to hide your posts, I really don’t, but Facebook is for cat videos, memes, humorous insights into life, and relationship drama, not endless one-way mini rants presented as fact.  Get over yourselves or face my timid, indirect wrath.

Whew, passive aggression is exhausting.



P.S. I didn’t add any pictures to this post because I’m sick of the meme-frenzy that has overtaken Facebook.  I’m not saying I’m a meme hipster, and I get many a chuckle from them, but memes were better before they were half of Facebook.


So my posts have been somewhat few and far between lately, and for that I apologize, because I know how it’s the highlight of your time on the internet and all.  Anyway, your Facebook profile Picture is (sadly) how most of your network of acquaintances and strangers sees you, so it’s important to have a decent one, especially if you spend as much time on there as I do.  The following post should serve as a guide as you select a profile picture to represent yourself online.

Also, you may have noticed that this is my third Facebook-themed post, and I will admit that I have a bit of a preoccupation with the blue and white menace, but so do you.  So shuddup.

**DISCLAIMER** Realize before you freak out on me , that I was able to write this because I’ve been guilty of most of these Facebook faux pas in the past.  It’s not hypocrisy if I acknowledge my past guilt.  Calm.

~In no particular order~

The Pro Pic Troll

You know what I’m talking about, the one negative commenter on your profile picture. It always happens.  It’s usually the guy who has had the same profile picture for years because it’s the only good picture of him ever taken, and he doesn’t have the self-confidence to use another one.  I understand that there is some degree of fruitiness in taking a picture of oneself sure, but I dabble in photography and looking good, so it’s just the natural progression of hobby and vanity.  Also, you know you’ve done it too, so don’t be a douche you unnattractive person you.

Posting a Slightly Different, Self-Shot Profile Picture Every Couple of Days

I realize that this somewhat contradicts the above statement, but there is a distinction. Don’t get me wrong, I am guilty of the occasional Myspacean, self-shot profile picture (although I try to give mine some artistic merit at least), but when several blurryass pictures of you taken from the same weird angle fill my news feed every day, it gets old.  I understand the temptation, I am one of the most self-absorbed humans on the planet, but trust me, this goes beyond self-absorption and into the realm of self-obsession.   You don’t need a new profile picture every two days friend, I’m pretty sure you look the same as you did two days ago.

Your Profile Picture Isn’t You

Unless it’s for a cartoon character or celebrity pro pic week, everyone assumes this happens because you’re ugly.  It’s also weird and creepy (yes,  both weird AND creepy), I feel like anyone could be behind that anime character or demotivational poster.  It’s the hockey mask of the e-predator world.  Have some self confidence, if they’ve read my blog, no one will make fun of your profile picture if it’s actually you, so you have nothing to worry about.  Beisdes, you’ll be more attractive to the opposite sex (or whoever you’re trying to attract) if you have the confidence to appear as you really are, and anyone who doesn’t think so isn’t worth your time.  Don’t be a creeper.

Over-Edited, Pseudo-Artistic Pictures

They’re usually weird colors, really blurry, and with words and crap on them.  I don’t know what online photo editor you used, but unless you’re sepia colored, blurry, and bracketed with words and hearts in real life, it’s not okay.  A profile picture should be of you, not of some weird cartoon version of you.

Cell-Phone-in-the-Bathroom Mirror Pictures

This one isn’t as severe as some of the others, but incredibly tacky nonetheless.  Especially when I scroll through your album of profile pictures, and they’re all of you standing in front of the bathroom mirror, holding your head at the same angle, with the same cocky look on your face, and in varying states of shirtlessness.

A Photo of You Kissing Your Boyfriend

Seriously? I’m happy you’ve been kissed at least once as proved by your picture, but leave it off your profile.  Especially if it’s super close up and gross.

Nearly Naked You

As rockin’ as your bod may be, future employers and grandmas are all over Facebook, so don’t look like a prostitute, because it could come back to haunt you.  That goes for guys too, taking a picture of your shirtless self with your hand down your pants in the bathroom? Not okay.  Even if you don’t care about employers or innocent grandmas and children on Facebook, have some class people!

Just to be clear, I don’t think there is anything wrong with pictures of you at the lake in your swimwear, it’s pictures of you in the bathroom with sex in your eyes that don’t need to grace the top left corner of your profile.

The Where’s Waldo Picture

When your profile picture has a ton of people in it.  This one is akin to the profile picture that isn’t even you, because if I don’t know you how am I supposed to tell which one you are? I’m just going to assume that you’re the guy in the background holding the knife.

No Offense,


I honestly can’t understand my own addiction to Facebook.  It’s annoying.  Nay, Facebook isn’t annoying, a large number of the people on my Facebook are annoying.  The following are some surefire ways to get yourself blocked from my news feed.  It’s also going to make me look like a huge jerk.

Although since you’re reading this you’re cool, and probably not guilty of any of them.  Yay you!

Facebooking Your Undying Love-

I’m happy you’re happily in a relationship, I really am, but please, for the love of God, keep it out of my news feed.  One or two statuses is fine, I understand that.  Announcing your love on Facebook is the modern day equivalent of shouting it off a mountaintop, but really, your boyfriend or girlfriend gets the point after one or two.  And I should never see the word “babe,” “baby,” or any of your other diminutives for your lover in my news feed unless you’re talking about an actual infant. It’s gross. Oh and one more thing, QUIT CONSTANTLY POSTING ON EACH OTHER’S WALLS.  Seriously, chances are you’re in the same room as each other anyway.  If not, that’s what Facebook Messages and Facebook Chat are for.  I know you’re dating, I don’t have to be reminded of it every time I get on Facebook.

Bathroom Statuses-

Ew.  I don’t care how good of a bowel movement you just had, or what was wrong with the toilet seat, keep it off my news feed.  Gross.

Emo Song Lyrics-

I get it. You’re sad. Or maybe there’s just too much pain in the world for a funny status.  Whatever. Nobody ever likes a mopey song lyric status.

Endless Surveys and Crappy Applications-

Wow cool, you scored “95% hot” on the “How Hot Are You?” quiz.  I don’t know you.  I don’t care. If I knew you, I wouldn’t care.  They always have such big obnoxious pictures too, so I don’t see the funny statuses in between that I might get some fulfillment out of. Cool horoscope entry! I’m glad things are going well for Scorpios! Aw neat! You found a golden chicken! GET A HOBBY.

Please? :)

Passive Aggressive Statuses-

Things like “I hope the most horrible misfortune befalls you and your family” aren’t of any use to me.  I don’t know who you’re talking about, so why do you feel the need to share that with me?

Inside Jokes-

Nobody else gets it.  That makes it substantially less funny.


The occasional <3 is fine, but come on guys, hearts fill up my news feed like acne on a college freshman’s face.  You can’t heart EVERYTHING.

Txt speak-

There isn’t a word count for Facebook statuses.  Express yourself in complete words and sentences.  This isn’t Twitter, you lazy jerk.

Get off my lawn,


Every genius with fingers and internet access has had a Facebook status about how Facebook has kept them from doing their homework or some other incredibly important task.  I’m no exception, so don’t get your knickers in a twist. I’m sick of those statuses.  However, there are two sides to every cyber coin, and even the most negative aspects of Facebook can have positive functions.  That being said, I’m also sick of hearing how Facebook has defined our generation.  Sure it fuels revolutions and high school drama but that could have been accomplished just as well with AIM, e-mail, or Myspace.   Basically, I use Facebook a lot, it’s great, but shut up about it.  *Enter blog post about Facebook*

This one goes out to all my Facebook friends, most of which I’ve never actually talked to and probably never will.

1.) Facebook Creeping.

Improved my life: S***, she has a boyfriend.

Ruined my life: *Clicks on 100th vacation photo posted by that girl who sat 3 seats behind me in one of my classes freshman year*

*Head explodes*

2.) Facebook Chat.

Improved my life: Hey there, person I’m too scared to talk to in real life. ;)

Ruined my life: I accidentally say “lol” in actual conversations.

3.) Facebook Statuses.

Improved my life: I’m a cyber attention whore.  Hence: BLOG.

I had no idea what to put for a picture on this one. This is, ah, hilarious...

Ruined my life: I forgot I was Facebook friends with my mom.

Also, don’t Facebook about your bowel movements. Ew.

4.) Facebook Messages.

Improved my life: Less scary than Facebook Chat and talking in person.  You can take as long as you want to respond, and you can send the same message to 10 people at once.

Ruined my life: They have to be prefaced with “I swear I’m not a creeper but….”  Also event messages to events you don’t have the stones to click “not attending” on because you don’t want to look like a douche.

5.) Facebook Events.

Improved my life: “Hey friends, come do this fun activity with me! :D” and “Hey! I got invited to something, they do care about me! :D”

Ruined my life: “Attending” = maybe attending, “Maybe attending” = not coming,  and “Not attending” = F*** you, I’m too cool for your event.

6.) Facebook Mobile.

Improved my life: I’m updating my status from somewhere way cooler than where you are.  (I’m not, I’m actually at my computer in a dark dorm room)

Ruined my life: Group messages.  I’m glad you’re stoked about this club, but could you have your conversation about it somewhere other than my cell phone?

7.) Facebook.

Improved my life: It helps to stave off the crushing weight of loneliness.  I’m also an attention whore. I mean I’m just a witty dude with a lot to share with the world.

Ruined my life: Staring at the home page is much more interesting than just about anything academic.  My friends are way cooler than me.


I wrote this while on Facebook,


P.S. If you’re reading this and am Facebook friends with me, chat me sometime, it’ll only be slightly weird at first.  If I immediately go offline don’t take it personally, I probably have something more interesting to do.

DVD Review: The Social Network

Let me start off by saying I  had no interest in seeing this movie.  I think it might have been because of the fact that I am reluctant to acknowledge accomplishments greater than my own.  I don’t find prodigies cute because when I was ten all I did was play Zoo Tycoon and watch the Magic School bus, and this jerk is a master piano player???  So Mark Zuckerberg being a Harvard prodigy was a turnoff.  Oh, he’s also the youngest billionaire in history.  Besides, the pretentiousness and hype behind the movie was incredible, a metaphor for our entire generation? Seems a bit strong for a movie.  Ah but it’s not a movie, according to the writing on the disc it’s a “film,” which is inherently better than a silly old movie I guess.  But, I knew it would probably win best picture at the Academy awards, so I felt obligated to watch it, like I owed it to society or something.

And so I did.

Aaron Sorkin’s screenplay and dialog in the movie were superb, the lines were rapid fire and well delivered by everyone in the film.  I was sucked in from the get go, even with the potentially less than exciting premise.  The pacing of the movie was good, and it never felt drawn out, even a little abruptly ended if anything.  The acting was good all around, most notably Jesse Eisenberg, and an emotional performance by newcomer Andrew Marvell (who is also starring as Peter Parker in the new untitled Spiderman reboot, set to come out sometime in 2012.) I didn’t hate it as much as I expected, there wasn’t a snooty, Facebook is transcendentally representative of our generation message like I expected.  The movie did have one unexpected side effect however, it made me want to get rid of my Facebook.

Mark Zuckerberg (Jesse Eisenberg) along with Sean Parker, founder ofTotal douches. Napster and douchebag extraordinaire (well played by Justin Timberlake) were the villains of the movie. Basically the plot of the movie was the tale of how Mark Zuckerberg is a genius prick who stole the idea for Facebook from some frat guys and then screws his best friend Eduardo Saverin(Andrew Garfield) out of the company that he started.  I was rooting for Saverin the entire time, and I hoped he would destroy Mark and Facebook altogether.  I realized that if that had actually happened, I wouldn’t have a Facebook today, but I didn’t care, that’s how big of a douche Mark Zuckerberg was/is.

Of course, it wasn’t enough to make me actually delete my Facebook, I would have a Facebook if Satan was the owner. However, if there was such a thing as Eduardobook, I would join straight away.

The Verdict:

On a scale of ”        ” to “ZOMG BEST MOVIE EVAR!!!” I would give it a “ZOMG BEST MOVIE”.   In other words, Redbox it sometime. It’s worth watching, though for me it didn’t quite live up to the hype.  My world remains undefined.

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