Most people think the Internet is pretty cool. Unless you’re of the grey-haired persuasion, in which case you think the Internet is some kind of sorcery, but still pretty cool.  I’m definitely in the pro-internet camp as well, because without cyberspace there would be no vehicle for my vanity, and my nonsense would go unheard.  For several reasons however, it’s pretty clear that the internet is decidedly in the anti-you camp.  As evidenced by the title, I am about to list 11 (of many) of those reasons.  Evidence of why the Internet, while a revolutionary feat of technology and potentially a force for good, is not by any means your friend.

11.) It constantly questions your manhood

I’m good on the viagra front, Internet. Thanks.

10.) Captcha Codes

Maybe I’m just becoming less and less human, but it seems to me like they’re getting harder and harder to read.

Though uncharacteristically easy to read, this really makes me question your motives, Internet.

9.) $1.29 songs on iTunes

Come on Apple, surely you can make those 29 cents elsewhere, I really don’t want to resort to piracy.  Though I do think I could pull off the eye patch look. *rimshot*

8.) If it seems too good to be true, it very very is

You’re not really the 10,000th visitor, Grandma. Don’t click on that pop-up.  Also, he’s not actually stuck in Africa, and he will not return your money tenfold if you help him get to America.  In real life, it’s a lot easier to tell if something is too good to be true or not.  Makeup, fake boobs, spray tan and hair gel can only go so far.

7.) Cookies

Rather than delicious confectionary creations, in cyberspace they just spy on you and slow your computer down.  Misnomer of the century.

6.) Viruses

This one is pretty blatant, but viruses of the biological variety at least allow you to stay home all day and watch movies, and can be beaten with lots of orange juice and laziness. If only computer viruses worked the same way.

Also, we both know you didn’t get that virus from Facebook.

5.) Identity Theft

To assume one’s identity in the pre-Internet world involved facial reconstruction surgery, wigs, and a well practiced evil-laugh, while online all it takes is a site that looks identical to overstock.com and a line for your credit card number.  Actually, it doesn’t even take that much, hackers can get your info from anywhere these days, from the computer skills they acquired in the hours spent in their bedrooms avoiding sunlight and females.  But remember, with great power comes zero social skills and the pallid complexion of a zombie who can’t afford acne medication.

I’m definitely going to get hacked now.

4.)chan

No way was 4chan created with your best interests in mind.  If those are your best interests, then maybe the internet is your friend after all.

3.) You never know who you’re actually dealing with

In real life, you can tell that the dirty man with the knife is probably about to rob and/or stab you, because you can clearly see that he’s a dirty man with a knife.  Online he goes by C011egeGurl1717, Steve Jones, or Free iPad!, and he wants to be your friend. He also wants to meet you in a dark parking lot with your PayPal account information.

That reminds me, meet me in the Wal Mart Parking lot at midnight, come alone.  To claim your free iPad of course, and maybe to hang out in a platonic, non-abducty way.

2.) It knows who you are (and where you live)

As evidenced by the increasing number of insanely specific ads one experiences whilst browsing the net, it’s pretty clear the Internet knows you better than anyone.   Using your search history, cookies, and location specific ip address, the Internet knows who you are and where you live.  The fact that it hasn’t gouged its eyes out in sheer horror after seeing the real you is the amazing part, and yet more evidence of its soul-crushing black hole of a soul.

1.)  It’s everywhere

More and more devices simply won’t work without internet, and anyone without an internet-capable smart phone doesn’t have the latest technology.  This means that wherever you go, the internet is there too.  This is convenient, and I enjoy checking my e-mail on the go as much as the next guy, but the fact remains that the Internet today is essentially inescapable.  Let’s just hope it continues to use its formidable powers for advertisements, and not something more sinister.  Here’s looking at you, Big Brother.

Let’s hope those unmarked panel vans outside are full of candy or iPads.

Online,

-Andrew

P.S. ARomDoms.Com rolled past 30,000 views the other day.  While that total isn’t staggeringly high for a blog that’s been running for a year and a halfish, and despite the fact that if I were a cat or a baby I would probably have 3 million by now, I appreciate every last view.  You guys are the best.  I’d also like to thank the Internet, because without you and my fingers, this blog would have never been physically possible.