Category: Top 10-ish


I prefer the term eccentric, but crazy is the spice of life. Life hacks are just easy little things you can do to make your life slightly easier or more efficient. Solving life’s little problems if you will. Since I tend to be somewhat spacey, I use some weird but effective methods function on a day-to-day basis. And some of them I will probably make up for humor because I can’t think of ten.

At least I’m honest.

1.) Problems with lateness?

Play exciting soundtrack music while when you’re driving. I reccomend pretty much anything Hans Zimmer, but James Bond does the trick too. You’ll feel like you’re in an action movie, and your groggy drive to school becomes an epic race against the clock. I won’t pay your speeding tickets though. So…watch out for that.

Also, set your alarm clock 15 minutes fast. You’ll be too groggy to remember you changed it in the morning, so you’ll freak out and move extra fast.

2.) Can’t remember things?

Guys: You look like a tool with your planner and highlighters everywhere, and that only works if you carry a purse around. I’m all for gender equality, but come on. Write stuff in pen on the back of your hand, wash it off after you do that thing. Works every time.

Girls: keep carrying that planner and those highlighters around because I’ll probably forget something and have to ask you.

3.) Worried about smelling bad?

Wear deodorant. Contrary to what you might think, smelling like crap doesn’t make you more attractive to the opposite sex. This one might make me seem like a crazy person, but I keep deodorant just about everywhere I might need it. Got a few sticks in the car, some in my trumpet case, and an obscene amount in my room. Too much. It’s a condition. But hey, at least I smell good. (I hope…)

4.) Acne? Fatness?

Drink lots of water. This one is medically certified and you can look it up just about anywhere, but drinking plenty of water is one of the major keys to being healthy. I know, water is boring, but if you at least drink less soda, and more water you’ll be better off. Drink more water than you think you need. Drink it when you’re not thirsty. I guarantee it will help clear your face up, you’ll be less obese, and you’ll be much healthier overall.

5.) Feeling sick?

Now this one I can’t vouch for medically, but it’s kept me from getting sick for at least 3 years. I can’t even remember the last time I got actually sick. When you start to feel sick, drink a big glass of orange juice, take two ibuprofen, and refuse to believe that you’re sick. Just forget about it. Then throughout the day drink as much water as possible, and take a little more ibuprofen if you need to. Continue this each morning until you feel better. Works like a charm if you believe it, because 60% (I made that statistic up) of illness is mental.

It also helps if you’re The Chosen One.

6.) Bad eating habit?

Eat so much of that thing that you get physically ill. Then I guarantee you won’t want to eat it again. Just thinking about chicken wings makes me want to puke.

7.) Depressed?

Beat the crap out of something (please not someone). Well, that’s not entirely true, just get active. Pushups, running, tennis, walking, anything works. Nothing relieves stress for me better than racquetball, where you can hit a rubber ball as hard as you possibly can, and it keeps coming back to you. Kind of like…. ahhh, that would be in poor taste.

8.) Hate feeling stupid when you talk to people?

Watching the news or reading the paper is boring, so I just set my home page to CNN or nytimes.com. Any time you get on your computer to check your Facebook, play Neopets, or whatever you do on the internet behind that locked door (you freak), you’ll see the world’s most major headlines. Always useful for general small talk or sounding smartish.

9.) Your ego too big for Facebook? Way too much free time?

Try blogging, you narcissistic jerk. Okay this isn’t a real tip, I just sincerely hope that’s not how my blog comes across.

10.) Trouble thinking of ten things?

Just put the word “almost” in front of the word “ten,” and people won’t realize they’ve been cheated. Sorry people.

;

It’s too nice outside to blog ,

And I’m hungry,

But mostly lazy,

-Andrew

;

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Overpopulation is a serious problem in the world today, and if we continue at the current rate of population growth, in1300 years we will literally have breathed all the Atmospheric oxygen away.  I don’t know about you, but I plan on living forever, and a complete lack of oxygen will make that somewhat difficult.  It is for that reason that I have unsarcastically concluded that we better live it up while we can before the oxygen goes away! What’s more fun than making babies right? SECKS, YEAH!

I’m on thin political ice here I realize, but I wrote this without divulging my beliefs (I need the readership from both sides :P). So don’t get your panties in a wad before you read it.  Panties is such an awkward word…

ANYWHO

(In no particular order)

1.) Be Ugly.

Uniquely Good Looking…. You. UGLY, you aint got no alibi. Or unwanted pregnancies, woot!  I mean, you are special, and members of the opposite love special people.  *cough*

2.) Eat lots of garlic.

Everyone loves garlic, duh.  You might not get any vampire sex though. SAD FACE. –> :'(

3.) Play video games.

Lots of video games. Ladies love guys with skills, and killer instinct.  CoD for life.

4.) Blog.

I’m not trying to say anything here, ladies love blogs…..It’s just ah,  time consuming. Yeah.  This works for sure…. MOVING ON.

5.) Show em what you got.

Nothing says confidence like showing your junk to total strangers.  Also, there’s a good chance you’ll be arrested.  Everyone knows that makes you 100 times more attractive and dangerous looking.

6.) Never leave your dorm room.

Be that sexy mysterious guy doing sexy and mysterious things alone in your dorm room.

*Sigh*,

-Andrew

P.S.  6 rounds up to 10, and I’m in a hurry.  I’ll probably start posting every other day… Every day is exhausting, and the quality diminishes dramatically, as evidenced by today’s entry…. Happy Weekend all!

Every genius with fingers and internet access has had a Facebook status about how Facebook has kept them from doing their homework or some other incredibly important task.  I’m no exception, so don’t get your knickers in a twist. I’m sick of those statuses.  However, there are two sides to every cyber coin, and even the most negative aspects of Facebook can have positive functions.  That being said, I’m also sick of hearing how Facebook has defined our generation.  Sure it fuels revolutions and high school drama but that could have been accomplished just as well with AIM, e-mail, or Myspace.   Basically, I use Facebook a lot, it’s great, but shut up about it.  *Enter blog post about Facebook*

This one goes out to all my Facebook friends, most of which I’ve never actually talked to and probably never will.

1.) Facebook Creeping.

Improved my life: S***, she has a boyfriend.

Ruined my life: *Clicks on 100th vacation photo posted by that girl who sat 3 seats behind me in one of my classes freshman year*

*Head explodes*

2.) Facebook Chat.

Improved my life: Hey there, person I’m too scared to talk to in real life. ;)

Ruined my life: I accidentally say “lol” in actual conversations.

3.) Facebook Statuses.

Improved my life: I’m a cyber attention whore.  Hence: BLOG.

I had no idea what to put for a picture on this one. This is, ah, hilarious...

Ruined my life: I forgot I was Facebook friends with my mom.

Also, don’t Facebook about your bowel movements. Ew.

4.) Facebook Messages.

Improved my life: Less scary than Facebook Chat and talking in person.  You can take as long as you want to respond, and you can send the same message to 10 people at once.

Ruined my life: They have to be prefaced with “I swear I’m not a creeper but….”  Also event messages to events you don’t have the stones to click “not attending” on because you don’t want to look like a douche.

5.) Facebook Events.

Improved my life: “Hey friends, come do this fun activity with me! :D” and “Hey! I got invited to something, they do care about me! :D”

Ruined my life: “Attending” = maybe attending, “Maybe attending” = not coming,  and “Not attending” = F*** you, I’m too cool for your event.

6.) Facebook Mobile.

Improved my life: I’m updating my status from somewhere way cooler than where you are.  (I’m not, I’m actually at my computer in a dark dorm room)

Ruined my life: Group messages.  I’m glad you’re stoked about this club, but could you have your conversation about it somewhere other than my cell phone?

7.) Facebook.

Improved my life: It helps to stave off the crushing weight of loneliness.  I’m also an attention whore. I mean I’m just a witty dude with a lot to share with the world.

Ruined my life: Staring at the home page is much more interesting than just about anything academic.  My friends are way cooler than me.

 

I wrote this while on Facebook,

-Andrew

P.S. If you’re reading this and am Facebook friends with me, chat me sometime, it’ll only be slightly weird at first.  If I immediately go offline don’t take it personally, I probably have something more interesting to do.

Wanna look awesome? Wanna impress all your friends? Wanna meet girls? Of course you do, who doesn’t? It’s a scientific fact that ladies are attracted to awesome, and by the end of this blog post you’ll be exactly that.  Knee deep in… female companionship

(As per usual, not in any particular order)

::WARNING:: This guide will make you so awesome that your friends and family might be intimidated by your presence and feel uncomfortable talking to you, and the constant stream of female attention can be exhausting.  Don’t come crying to me when you’re friends respect you too much and you can’t ever sleep because you have to have sex with so many supermodels. You’ve been warned.

Oh and you should probably give your keys to me so you don’t accidentally lose them whilst doing something awesome. Just to be safe.

To the owner of the 1999 Dodge Neon parked diagonally in two spaces in my lot, this one is for you.

10.) Survival skills.

What’s the first thing you think of when you think Bear Grylls? Badass? Hardcore? AWESOME? Well when he’s not surviving in the wilderness, Bear has to survive constant barrages of sexual advances from beautiful women.  You already know everything you need to know, you’ve watched the show, so take it to the next level!  Have your friend blindfold you and drive you out into the wilderness, drop you off and drive away.  When you make it back to civilization, awesome.

9.) Anabolic Dietary Supplements.

I mean drugs, lots and lots of drugs.  Steroids, Crystal Meth, Heroine, everything.  You’ll be huge, happy, and twice as fast as everyone else around you.

8.) Base jumping.

What’s more badass than base jumping? I’ll tell you what: Base jumping with an umbrella for a parachute.  Just picture yourself floating gracefully and awesomely down in front of Jessica Alba’s house.  Chea. Don’t forget your sunglasses.

7.) Steal a car.

I know you’ve played Grand Theft Auto.  Steal a normal car, cool.  Steal a cop car? cooler.  Steal a tank? AWESOME.

6.) Fly a helicopter into the sunset.

You’ve totally seen enough movies to do it without dying in a fiery helicopter crash.

5.) Go to space.

Build a rocket, go to space. It’ll work for sure.  Just think about that Facebook status: “Just left the atmosphere in my homemade rocket ship, lol I just got Tang in my eye! Zero gravity is awesome!!!1!”

4.) Blow up a large building.

Make sure to walk slowly away from the explosion without looking.

3.) Play Frogger.

Not on a computer, you nerd!  Way more awesome on an eight lane highway.

2.) Dodge bullets.

Haven’t you seen the Matrix? That was based on a true story!

1.) Punch a Grizzly bear in the nose.

How else can you win in a fist fight with a Grizzly bear?

Awesomely yours,

-Andrew

Going on a big Valentine’s Day date with a beautiful girl tonight? The following are a few entirely true and very useful tips to use on your Valentine’s Day date!  This one is ironically dedicated to all my fellow singles out there.
(not in any particular order)
1.) Make your date feel special.
Check out other girls on your date.  You’ll make her feel special by mentally comparing her to the other women you see.  Hey, you’re not on a date with them even though you could be if you wanted to!
2.) Arrive fashionably late.
At least 20 minutes, the suspense will make her want you more.
3.) Be spontaneous.
Girls are embarrassed by elaborate, thoughtful gifts and love letters.  She’ll enjoy the spontaneity and simplicity of your “Happy Valentines Day!” hastily scribbled on a napkin under the table.  You don’t have a pen? You can always just write it in barbecue sauce, and it’ll be that much more special. 

I used a marker, but anything works really. She'll be wooed your spontaneity and improvisational skills. .

4.) Dress down.
Women get self conscious around people who are better dressed than they are.  You can avoid that blow to her self-esteem by dressing down.  Your pizza-stained sweats and baggy Motley Crue t-shirt will have her feeling like a princess.
5.) Be honest.
That dress DOES make your ass look huge.
6.) Smell like a winner.
Don’t shower or wear deodorant.  PHEROMONES. It’s a scientific fact that you’ll do it like cave people later.
7.) Nobody likes awkward silence.
To avoid this, you should never stop talking about yourself.
8.) Be safe!
Have your mom drive you.  Who knows if you’ll be drinking or not, so it’s better to be safe than sorry! She can make sure everything goes alright from the adjacent table too. Besides, what’s more romantic than having a chauffeur?
9.) Showcase your talent.
Not your boring talent, like singing or guitar playing, chances are she’s already seen them.  No, show her a unique talent.  Can you make hilarious farting noises with your hands? She’ll laugh till she cries! Can you burp the alphabet? Show her! Can you eat an entire hamburger in two bites? Prove it! Can you do a mean truffle shuffle? Do at the table! She’ll love that she has such a uniquely talented date.
10.)Break the ice.
Mention my blog.  Everybody who’s anybody reads it, so it’ll be a good conversation starter.  Make sure to mention my quirky, yet sensitive sense of humor.  Girls also like to talk about attractive men, so it couldn’t hurt to bring a picture of me either.
Sentimental on the inside, yet sarcastically yours,
-Andrew

I’ve been pretending to be a smart person for years, and in the process I’ve learned some things.  The following are some simple, easy-t0-use tips to fool your teachers and acquaintances into thinking you’re more intelligent than you are! (Not necessarily in order of importance.)

1o.) Use statistics as often as possible.

67% of statistics are made up anyway.  No one is going to bother to check on your facts, so throw down those numbers like you’re an almanac.

9.) Keep your mouth shut.

If in doubt about using a statistic, you can’t look stupid if you don’t say anything. Something that helps this illusion is if you unfocus your eyes and sort of stare into the distance, as if you’re lost in deep thought.

8.) Carry a book around.

Not a textbook, not Twilight, but a book book that you’re supposedly reading purely for pleasure.  Maybe something from the realm of Literature (italics denote sophistication). You may want to read spoilers on the internet in case someone tries to discuss it with you, but you can always just make an abstract comment about the character development or the diction.

7.) Go to a respected News Source (the New York Times, The Washington Post, etc.) and read some headlines.

Knowing that something happened is more important than knowing why or how it happened.

6.) Go to coffee shops.

Bring your laptop.  Be seen.  Disguise the fact that you’re actually on Facebook.

6.5.) Drink coffee.

Smart people drink coffee, right? But don’t put a bunch of crap in it, smart people are mature enough to enjoy the flavor of coffee black.

5.) Laugh at jokes you don’t understand.

One atom says to the other, “I think I lost an electron!” The other says “Are you sure?” “Yes! I’m positive!”  Laugh, it’s a chemistry joke.

4.) Mention quantum physics.

The context doesn’t matter, it’s too complex for anyone except quantum physicists to really carry on a conversation about. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quantum_physics

3.) Wikipedia is your friend.

Forget what slanderous things your teachers have told you about Wikipedia, it’s correct 100% of the time, 85% of the time.  But seriously, Wikipedia has information about anything you could ever possibly want to know.

2.) Wear glasses.

Not 3D glasses, you damn hipster.

1.) Talk loudly and often about the things you know, and shut up about the things you don’t (activate your cloaking device if you have one).

Simple and effective, this one comes in handy all the time, and I can personally guarantee it’s effectiveness.

Exhibit A. Wait a minute.... I've, I've discovered their secret.... OH DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!?

Pseudo-intelligently yours,

-Andrew