First off, I have to say I know nothing about fashion, so take this post with a grain of salt and don’t get your knickers in a twist. Then again if you’re actually wearing “knickers” you’ll probably want to stop reading anyway, because I think the internet is against your religion, along with electricity and humor.

Before you say anything, I very rarely use the word faux pas, so no worries there. Though that’s more out of an admittedly unreasonable disdain for French culture than out of a lack of sophistication.

I also realize that fall is almost over, and that this post would probably have been more relevant earlier in the season, but I couldn’t resist the opportunity for alliteration in the title. Actually, it was mostly a result of busyness/laziness more than the need for alliteration.  I started this post in the midst of fall, when it was extremely relevant, but I never got around to finishing it until now. Oops.

Anywho,

As we get closer to winter, people sip apple cider and start dust off their cold weather clothes . The following should serve as a guide as you prepare to venture out into the judgmental world in your new fall fashions.

~in no particular order~

1.) Leggings as Pants

You might as well not wear pants, because we can see everything. EVERYTHING. Have some class, leave something to the imagination.

Also, my girlfriend says you shouldn’t wear brown boots with them, because everyone knows you shouldn’t wear brown and black together. Come on now.

2.) Ski Masks

Is it -20 outside? Are we in the midst of a blizzard? Are you competing in the Iditarod? Are you robbing a bank? Are you skiing?

No?

THEN DON’T WEAR A SKI MASK, YOU CREEPER YOU.

(I am in no way condoning bank robbery, that’s not cool either.)

3.) Flip Flops

Unless you’re a Hobbit, why does it make sense to go barefoot when it’s cold outside? When you really think about it, does wearing long pants and flip flops really make sense? Are you climbing Mount Doom?

Are your feet really just that attractive? !!Spoiler alert!! No.  No they’re not.

4.) Denim on Denim

It’s not the 90’s anymore thank god, so you can throw away your Canadian Tuxedo along with your Hanson cd’s. The denim jacket and jeans combo is no longer acceptable, so let it die like Britney spears and Nirvana. What is this, a Wrangler commercial?

I can't believe I lived in a time where people thought it was okay to dress like this. You'd be better off wearing a dress made of raw meat. Wait....

5.) Shorts

I know you’re proud of your hairless calves, you testosteroneless man-child, but no one actually thinks it’s funny or novel. Find a new way to get attention before you catch Pneumonia.

6.) Fingerless Gloves

Because gloves that keep your fingers warm are too mainstream?  You look like a hobo.

7.) Animal Hats

Girls and Children– this does not apply to you, keep wearing your hats that look like animals, you look adorable.

Guys– you look like you’re trying to lure children and girls into your windowless panel van.  It doesn’t look cute, at best it looks like a desperate stab at attention-getting novelty. Put on your man hat.

But not your Indiana Jones man hat, unless you were alive in the 50’s, it looks like you’re wearing a costume.

8.) Rain Boots

I don’t have any problem with rain boots in practical situations, but if there aren’t any puddles, and it isn’t raining, why would you wear rain boots? You look silly. SILLY.

“AH! There’s a cloud in the sky! I must prepare for the great flood! And the only way to do that is by wearing a windbreaker and rain boots! Exclamation point!”

9.) Dark, Possibly Leather Trench Coats

This is not the first time I’ve mentioned these. At best, You look like a creep.

10.) Just…. No.

Because putting on both pants and a sweatshirt is such an inconvenience. And look, I don't even have to take off my onesy to poop!

It’s been way too long,

-Andrew

P.S. Why don’t they just take the “C” out of BCS, because that acronym is more accurate.  Proud of my Big 12 Champion Cowboys, who this past weekend DESTROYED a classless Sooner team, who tried to block our players from coming out of the tunnel before the game even started, and who routinely punched them in the stomach after the whistle was blown.

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