Public restrooms are awkward and gross enough as it is, you don’t need to make it worse.  Here is a list of things to avoid whilst conducting your, eh hem, business.  Oh and this is mostly rules for men’s restrooms, seeing as how I haven’t spent nearly as much time in women’s restrooms…

-Before you think too hard about that-

(in no particular order)

Rule 1: Prolonged Eye Contact

Few things are more uncomfortable than prolonged and subtly amorous eye contact with a stranger in a public restroom.

Rule 2: S*** Talking

If you’re in a stall, and I’m not, there’s no need for you to talk to me.  No matter how bored you are in there.

Rule 3: Eyes Front

This one should hopefully speak for itself, but as curious as you are, attempting to sneakily look at my penis- WEIRD.  It’s not a self-conscious thing, it’s a “watching other guys pee isn’t okay” thing.


Rinsing doesn’t count, don’t think I didn’t notice that lack of soap. You disgust me.

Rule 5: If It’s Anything, Flush it Down

This is a public restroom, not Mexico. Also, I think you might have a kidney problem…

Rule 6: No Phoney Business

Does the person you’re talking on the phone with realize you’re going to the bathroom? Isn’t that weird for them? It’s weird for me.

Rule 7: What Are You– Oh Dear God…

…………………………………..Don’t do that.

Rule 8: Don’t Get Handsy

No, not like THAT, you freak. But don’t do that either.  What I’m getting at are post-bathroom handshakes, try to avoid them.  Are your hands wet because you washed them? Or is that something else…

Rule 9: Keep Your Pants On

This ones for the urinal users, obviously.  They make zippers and stuff in pants for a reason, don’t pull your flipping pants all the way down to use a urinal.  Who thinks that’s normal after age 4??

Rule 10: The Golden (no pun intended) Rule

If there are more than two urinals in the bathroom, and I’m the only one in there, DON’T use the one directly next to me.  Any guy will attest to the weirdness of this, especially in bathrooms with no partitions in between the urinals.  I know you’re lonely, but I don’t want to be in the splash zone here.  BLEHHHH.

Hopefully you now share my phobia of public restrooms,