I honestly can’t understand my own addiction to Facebook.  It’s annoying.  Nay, Facebook isn’t annoying, a large number of the people on my Facebook are annoying.  The following are some surefire ways to get yourself blocked from my news feed.  It’s also going to make me look like a huge jerk.

Although since you’re reading this you’re cool, and probably not guilty of any of them.  Yay you!

Facebooking Your Undying Love-

I’m happy you’re happily in a relationship, I really am, but please, for the love of God, keep it out of my news feed.  One or two statuses is fine, I understand that.  Announcing your love on Facebook is the modern day equivalent of shouting it off a mountaintop, but really, your boyfriend or girlfriend gets the point after one or two.  And I should never see the word “babe,” “baby,” or any of your other diminutives for your lover in my news feed unless you’re talking about an actual infant. It’s gross. Oh and one more thing, QUIT CONSTANTLY POSTING ON EACH OTHER’S WALLS.  Seriously, chances are you’re in the same room as each other anyway.  If not, that’s what Facebook Messages and Facebook Chat are for.  I know you’re dating, I don’t have to be reminded of it every time I get on Facebook.

Bathroom Statuses-

Ew.  I don’t care how good of a bowel movement you just had, or what was wrong with the toilet seat, keep it off my news feed.  Gross.

Emo Song Lyrics-

I get it. You’re sad. Or maybe there’s just too much pain in the world for a funny status.  Whatever. Nobody ever likes a mopey song lyric status.

Endless Surveys and Crappy Applications-

Wow cool, you scored “95% hot” on the “How Hot Are You?” quiz.  I don’t know you.  I don’t care. If I knew you, I wouldn’t care.  They always have such big obnoxious pictures too, so I don’t see the funny statuses in between that I might get some fulfillment out of. Cool horoscope entry! I’m glad things are going well for Scorpios! Aw neat! You found a golden chicken! GET A HOBBY.

Please? :)

Passive Aggressive Statuses-

Things like “I hope the most horrible misfortune befalls you and your family” aren’t of any use to me.  I don’t know who you’re talking about, so why do you feel the need to share that with me?

Inside Jokes-

Nobody else gets it.  That makes it substantially less funny.

Hearts-

The occasional <3 is fine, but come on guys, hearts fill up my news feed like acne on a college freshman’s face.  You can’t heart EVERYTHING.

Txt speak-

There isn’t a word count for Facebook statuses.  Express yourself in complete words and sentences.  This isn’t Twitter, you lazy jerk.

Get off my lawn,

-Andrew

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