Today my Dad, sister, and I made the two hour pilgrimage across snow-covered and desolate Northern Iowa/Minnesota to the playland of the North, the Mall of America.  With 4.3 miles of storefront footage, enough room for seven Yankee Stadiums, 520+ stores, 25 rides in the amusement park, a 1.2 million gallon aquarium, and 4.2 million total square feet, I did some of the best random wandering I’ve ever done while my sister shopped for prom dresses.  The following are some of my observations and musings.

-Sitting there on a bench in the Mall of America, avoiding eye contact with the pushy miracle massage salesman, I realized it’s the only place where Segways are practical, and that’s so the mall cops can catch runway strollers and speeding fat people wagons at the blistering speed of slightly faster than walking pace.

-I discovered that I can sniff out an Auntie Anne’s from anywhere in the mall, including the Mall of America.  The only place where you can close your eyes and follow the scent from Auntie Anne’s to Auntie Anne’s for miles without going to the same one twice or leaving the building.

-Wear a trench coat in the Mall of America, I assume you’re naked underneath.  Don’t be naked underneath.

-Dear Abercrombie, unless you’re a delicious cookie or pretzel stand, I should not smell and hear your store before I can see it.  Keep your douchebaggery to yourself, tanks! :)

-Man I feel like a pedo hanging out in the Lego store amidst a sea of 2nd graders, but I freaking love legos. Don’t judge me.

>I wish I could take a sharpie to all the boxes and change the age limits to 19+, then I wouldn’t feel so bad.

-When you need an up escalator, all you can seem to find are down ones filled with undesirable people and sticky, yelly little kids.

Escalaterror.

>That’s gotta be a metaphor for life.

-I bought my first pair of Sperry Topsiders today, but I also bought a pair of tennis shoes to balance them out.  As long as I stay away from the flat front khakis, FayBans, pastel polos, and neon baseball caps I’ll be okay.

-When the salesclerk asked me if I needed a bigger “baeg,” it took me a second to realize that she meant “bag,” and I had already said no thanks.  MinnessOHt-n accents….

-After two days of  my sister prom dress shopping, in the last store we went to I walked in and decided to help this time.  I went off on my own and found a dress I thought would be good.  The first and only dress I picked out was the one she bought.  WIN.

So ladies, if anyone wants to take me prom dress shopping, I’m kind of a pro.

America!

-Andrew

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