Man, I don’t even know where to start with this one…

When I first heard about Prince of Persia I was excited, because I had played the video game and I thought a movie based on it would be awesome.  But then, being the Tomatometer Troll I am, I read the reviews. Yikes.

Now, I have a tendency to trust the Tomatometer a bit too much, so I end up not watching movies I’m interested in solely because of the reviews.  So when Prince of Persia came on TV at my house, I decided to donate two hours of my time to it and see if the internet might be mistaken, which can happen.

It wasn’t mistaken.

Prince of Persia: the Sands of Mediocrity is the story of Jake Gyllenhaal in need of a haircut traipsing through Egpyt/New Zealand fighting off baddies with a hot princess (whoa, SEXUAL TENSION) a few choice slow-mo moves and a bunch of special effects, to return a magical dagger that can rewind time to the hot princess’s castle (which happens to be directly above the place where if you stick the dagger apparently the whole world explodes).

This would probably be a better movie... also, LOLOLOL

Plot is forgone for displays of what can be done with a computer and slow motion homages to the message board fanboys who played the video games. I still don’t know what happened at the end of the movie.  There was a lot of anguished yelling, a bunch of falling sand, a weird 10 minute segment featuring two dudes holding the dagger and yelling profusely, whilst surrounded by some kind of rainbow sand tornado that somehow resolved the conflict and sent Jake Gyllenhaal back to the beginning of the movie.

The dialog  sounds like it was written by some pale, sunken-eyed 13-year-old in his basement after doing unspeakable things while he watched Lord of the Rings.  The comic relief is forced and awkward, like the time that 13-year-old went to  the school dance and ended up peeing in the punch bowl in front of the horrified chaperones.  Somebody probably laughed, but most of them probably just looked away.

There were a few slight redeeming factors to the movie, chiefly that some of the action was pretty cool, especially if you had played the video games.  There were a couple cool moments of neat cinematography, of horses galloping through the desert, but not much effort was made in that area.

According to Prince of Persia:

-Having a beard and eyeliner inherently makes you Persian.

-No matter the time or place or number of bad guys, there is always time for a tender moment of prolonged loving eye contact and a soft embrace.

-Any problem can be solved with a bunch of yelling and some gratuitous special effects.

-Talking with a fake British accent makes everything seem historic. Because everyone in the past, especially Persians, spoke with fake, vaguely British accents.

Maybe a little harsh,

-Andrew

P.S. My viewership spike is over, so now I’m back to the normal, almost nonexistent view count, so uh, tell your friends about me.  And a huge thanks to my loyal viewers, I really appreciate the support!  If I had t-shirts to give out I would.  Anywho, enjoy your week!

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