If the pinnacle of your comedic material is a Justin Bieber comment, angry You Tube commenter, don’t leave your mom’s basement for your international comedy tour just yet.  Bieber-haters  just have  a different, equally annoying and talentless  strain of Bieber Fever.

When I go home I am hesitant to take the change gathering dust on my nightstand, carelessly emptied from my pockets over the years after countless lunches, dates, and video game purchases. It feels like I’m stealing from my past.

A Haiku from DJ Flula Borg:

Fluku No. 60: Oedipus Rex

mama: you are cute /

let us have some intercourse. /

dad: sorry, you’re dead.

– f|u|a

The only way Freud’s psychosexual stages are acceptable is if Sofia Vergara is your mom.

Lying to others is bad, but the worst thing you can do is lie to yourself, because you’ll eventually start to believe it.

To the girls who sit behind me in my Lit. class: As like, interesting as your lives are, I’m like, going to have to slap you if you don’t like, shut up when I’m trying to listen to the professor.

Sure, person handing out flyers, I’ll throw this away when I get around the corner for you, but surely there’s a better way to get rid of a stack of papers..

We get along like Germ-X and a paper cut.

Let’s do lunch sometime,


P.S. This song makes me immensely happy on a warm and sunny day like today. I am a sap.