Archive for February, 2011


Hump Day Randomness

Few things are as uncomfortable in life as an old person, unfamiliar with modern connotations of the word “hump,” mentioning “hump day.” Maybe I just need to grow up, but come on, you know it’s weird.

I’m not handicapped, I just like ramps and automatic doors.

Global Warming isn’t raising the water level in the ocean, the continent is just sinking as people get fatter and fatter. Check it out http://cdc.gov/obesity/data/trends.html. Yay us!

A beautiful day, 73 degrees and sunny, made more beautiful by the beautiful ladies in every direction I look.  Not sure what it is about nice weather and good looking girls, but this needs to happen more often.

To the guy sitting next to me during that test who felt the need to crack every joint in both hands over a period of ten minutes, you almost got punched.

That awkward moment when you hear heavy footsteps and mouth breathing behind you, but you can’t really look all the way back to see who it is, because that’s weird, but you can see a hoodie and sketchiness out of the corner of your eye, so you walk a little faster.

Sure the sun’ll come up and all that jazz, but the best thing about tomorrow? Today’s crossword puzzle answers.

High fructose corn syrup is the nectar of the Gods.  The Gods of Diabetes, Love Handles, and Heart Attacks.

I always wonder what the deal with the brown M&M is.  I mean you have the primary colored ones (red, yellow, and blue), and you have two secondary colored ones (green and orange). Instead of making a purple one (the third secondary color) however, they decided to make the last one brown. Brown. Of all the colors at their disposal they picked brown? Is ANYONE’s favorite color brown? That’s what color they are on the inside too; why bother painting a brown chocolate candy, brown? It just doesn’t make any sense.

(I researched it by eating another bag of M&M’s.  Turns out they’re delicious.  Still, I want a purple M&M!)

 

Anybody remember tan M&M's???

Get it? It's a cat totally acting like a person. XD Not sure what that was all about but, lol.

Everyone loves a smartass at 75 mph.

With your daily dose of worthlessness, humor, and trivia,

-Andrew

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Nanotechnology- because it’s not about how big your robot is, it’s about how you use it.

I noticed the other day on a Dippin’ Dots stand that it no longer said “The Ice Cream of The Future.”  So either the Dippin’ Dots time machine broke or……WE’RE IN THE FUTURE.

I learned a word today! Wray (v.) – to reveal or disclose. See? it’s not harmful to do crossword puzzles in class!

I hate eating at restaurants alone.  Unless it’s part of a loneliness montage in a movie it’s just awkward and creepy.

Is it weird that it bothers me to eat a corn dog in public? It sucks because I love corn dogs, but there’s no dignified way to eat a corn dog.  No matter how you do it, there is some obvious innuendo…. Maybe it’s just because my mind is in the gutter, but come on, the imagery is apparent.  Not going to post a picture here, do a Google Image search, I dare you.

I think I’ve fallen in love with a random girl on myspace I stumbled across whilst looking for appropriate corn dog pictures….

Don't give me that. This was the picture that brought me to her page, so you can leave your judgmental pants at home.

No really she’s perfect, she loves crosswords, she’s ridiculously attractive in a cute but refined way, she likes Flight of the Conchords, Jimmy Stewart, Stephen Colbert, and Regina Spektor, she has videos of herself looking beautiful and beautifully playing piano, she has an adorable daschund named Maude, and if she dies she doesn’t want anyone to f*** up her Myspace page with RIP comments and s***.

Wow, this is a lesson to everyone out there to be careful about just how much information you put on your profile, or else some random guy with a blog might fall in love with you as a result of a Google Image search for corn dogs.

But, if I just described your MySpace page, call me, because we’re totally soul mates. ;)

Also I noticed that no one on MySpace has updated their status since 2009…. Was there a mass extinction I didn’t hear about? Or did MySpace just fly into a black hole?

Now I’m really hungry for a corn dog.

::UPDATE:: I didn’t have any corn dogs so I decided to have soup, but the bowl was slightly too small for the amount of soup that was in the can. I discovered this after I poured the entire can in the bowl (or rather, in and around the bowl).  Oh and I couldn’t microwave it because there was soup all over the bowl so I ate it cold.  Freaking soup…. Should have had a hot pocket.

Before I spiral any further out of the realm of readability,

-Andrew

Going on a big Valentine’s Day date with a beautiful girl tonight? The following are a few entirely true and very useful tips to use on your Valentine’s Day date!  This one is ironically dedicated to all my fellow singles out there.
(not in any particular order)
1.) Make your date feel special.
Check out other girls on your date.  You’ll make her feel special by mentally comparing her to the other women you see.  Hey, you’re not on a date with them even though you could be if you wanted to!
2.) Arrive fashionably late.
At least 20 minutes, the suspense will make her want you more.
3.) Be spontaneous.
Girls are embarrassed by elaborate, thoughtful gifts and love letters.  She’ll enjoy the spontaneity and simplicity of your “Happy Valentines Day!” hastily scribbled on a napkin under the table.  You don’t have a pen? You can always just write it in barbecue sauce, and it’ll be that much more special. 

I used a marker, but anything works really. She'll be wooed your spontaneity and improvisational skills. .

4.) Dress down.
Women get self conscious around people who are better dressed than they are.  You can avoid that blow to her self-esteem by dressing down.  Your pizza-stained sweats and baggy Motley Crue t-shirt will have her feeling like a princess.
5.) Be honest.
That dress DOES make your ass look huge.
6.) Smell like a winner.
Don’t shower or wear deodorant.  PHEROMONES. It’s a scientific fact that you’ll do it like cave people later.
7.) Nobody likes awkward silence.
To avoid this, you should never stop talking about yourself.
8.) Be safe!
Have your mom drive you.  Who knows if you’ll be drinking or not, so it’s better to be safe than sorry! She can make sure everything goes alright from the adjacent table too. Besides, what’s more romantic than having a chauffeur?
9.) Showcase your talent.
Not your boring talent, like singing or guitar playing, chances are she’s already seen them.  No, show her a unique talent.  Can you make hilarious farting noises with your hands? She’ll laugh till she cries! Can you burp the alphabet? Show her! Can you eat an entire hamburger in two bites? Prove it! Can you do a mean truffle shuffle? Do at the table! She’ll love that she has such a uniquely talented date.
10.)Break the ice.
Mention my blog.  Everybody who’s anybody reads it, so it’ll be a good conversation starter.  Make sure to mention my quirky, yet sensitive sense of humor.  Girls also like to talk about attractive men, so it couldn’t hurt to bring a picture of me either.
Sentimental on the inside, yet sarcastically yours,
-Andrew

Movie Review: The King’s Speech

Based on its premise, this movie should be incredibly boring. A wham bam action packed thrill ride of a movie, in which the climax is a timid, powerless king stammeringly delivering a speech via radio. I’m on the edge of my seat.

Here comes the twist.

The King’s Speech (rightfully nominated for the Academy Award for Best Picture) was one of the best movies I’ve seen in a long time.  Glowing reviews aren’t always the most fun to read, but it’s hard to find fault with Tom Hooper’s film.  The dialog and David Seidler’s screenplay were superb, the acting was brilliant (especially from Colin Firth and Geoffrey Rush), and the cinematography of Jeff Cronenweth was beautiful.

The dialog in The Speech would best be described as both immensely charming, intelligent, quirky, and at times hilarious.  I often caught myself smiling at the way things were said, just because I enjoyed the way they were said (and everything is more charming with a British accent).  I even laughed out loud several times throughout the movie, and once I laughed myself to tears (if you’ve seen it you know the scene).  The movie isn’t exactly a comedy, but it was one of the most humorous and enjoyable experiences I’ve had in the theater.  A rare Oscar-nominee for best picture that didn’t leave me wanting to jump into a black hole.

The interplay between Bertie, stuttering future King George VI of England (played by Colin Firth, nominated for Best Actor) and his unconventional Australian speech therapist Lionel Logue (Geoffrey Rush, nominated for Best supporting Actor) was quirky and rapid fire, neither actor missing a beat.  I would be shocked if Firth didn’t receive the Oscar for Best Actor simply for the challenge it would take to make such a character believable.  In the course of the movie he goes from the prickish, stuttering Duke of York, who I instantly took a disliking to, to the lovable stammering King of England.  The hard work he must have put into developing that character, and mastering the characteristic speech patterns, which never break, is staggering.  Another notable performance is by Helena Bonham Carter in the role of Queen Elizabeth.  She had a great on-screen chemistry with Firth, and she exuded an air of regality that any Queen must.  She was nominated for Best Supporting Actress for her role.

The cinematography in the movie was awesome.  Any given frame of the movie could be printed and put on the wall as art.  The period costumes and sets complete with creaky floorboards, molding wallpaper, and royal palaces made me feel like I was there.  The whole movie is set against a backdrop of pre World War Two England, and you really feel the tension of a nation on the brink of war.  There is a scene showing families listening to the announcement of war on the radio that gave me chills.  It was followed by a drive through London, bomb sirens wailing, to a sandbagged Buckingham Palace.  These images take what could be a mundane story, and place it in the context of the most tumultuous time in human history, making it an inspirational, exciting, and heartwarming piece of cinema.

A couple Sundays from now I’ll be rooting for The Speech to unseat the favorite for Best Picture The Social Network.  With 12 nominations it’s sure to win several, but the Best Picture title is clearly the most prestigious.

If you only take one thing from this review it should be this: GO SEE THE KING’S SPEECH.

I apologize for the somewhat dry nature of today’s entry, but movies are a hobby of mine.  More of the usual entertaining (I hope) posts to come, I promise. That came off as really snooty….

Snootily yours,

-Andrew

I’ve been pretending to be a smart person for years, and in the process I’ve learned some things.  The following are some simple, easy-t0-use tips to fool your teachers and acquaintances into thinking you’re more intelligent than you are! (Not necessarily in order of importance.)

1o.) Use statistics as often as possible.

67% of statistics are made up anyway.  No one is going to bother to check on your facts, so throw down those numbers like you’re an almanac.

9.) Keep your mouth shut.

If in doubt about using a statistic, you can’t look stupid if you don’t say anything. Something that helps this illusion is if you unfocus your eyes and sort of stare into the distance, as if you’re lost in deep thought.

8.) Carry a book around.

Not a textbook, not Twilight, but a book book that you’re supposedly reading purely for pleasure.  Maybe something from the realm of Literature (italics denote sophistication). You may want to read spoilers on the internet in case someone tries to discuss it with you, but you can always just make an abstract comment about the character development or the diction.

7.) Go to a respected News Source (the New York Times, The Washington Post, etc.) and read some headlines.

Knowing that something happened is more important than knowing why or how it happened.

6.) Go to coffee shops.

Bring your laptop.  Be seen.  Disguise the fact that you’re actually on Facebook.

6.5.) Drink coffee.

Smart people drink coffee, right? But don’t put a bunch of crap in it, smart people are mature enough to enjoy the flavor of coffee black.

5.) Laugh at jokes you don’t understand.

One atom says to the other, “I think I lost an electron!” The other says “Are you sure?” “Yes! I’m positive!”  Laugh, it’s a chemistry joke.

4.) Mention quantum physics.

The context doesn’t matter, it’s too complex for anyone except quantum physicists to really carry on a conversation about. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quantum_physics

3.) Wikipedia is your friend.

Forget what slanderous things your teachers have told you about Wikipedia, it’s correct 100% of the time, 85% of the time.  But seriously, Wikipedia has information about anything you could ever possibly want to know.

2.) Wear glasses.

Not 3D glasses, you damn hipster.

1.) Talk loudly and often about the things you know, and shut up about the things you don’t (activate your cloaking device if you have one).

Simple and effective, this one comes in handy all the time, and I can personally guarantee it’s effectiveness.

Exhibit A. Wait a minute.... I've, I've discovered their secret.... OH DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!?

Pseudo-intelligently yours,

-Andrew

Friday was Like a Ninja

Most likely a result of the snowy void in the middle of the week, Friday really snuck up on me.  Like a Ninja…. For me it’s a bonus weekend, because in my mind it’s still around Wednesday.

Wow, in writing that last line I realized that snuck is not actually a word.  Thank you spell check.  Apparently, the proper word is sneaked… http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/snuck.html

But the debate rages on, a note I found on http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/snuck says:

First recorded in writing toward the end of the 19th century in the United States, snuck has become in recent decades a standard variant tense and past participle of the verb sneak: Bored by the lecture, he snuck out the side door. Snuck occurs frequently in fiction and journalistic writing as well as on radio  and television.  It is not so common in highly formal or belletristic writing, where sneaked is more likely to occur. Snuck is the only spoken past tense and past participle for many younger and middle-aged persons of all educational levels in the U.S. and Canada. Snuck has occasionally been considered nonstandard, but it is so widely used by professional writers and educated speakers that it can no longer be so regarded.

So after my extensive, two site research I have concluded, SUCK IT, spell check.  Oh sorry, I meant to say SNUCK IT, spell check.

If you’re a bikini-clad, well proportioned woman, stay away from crocodile or piranha-filled water, because apparently the only way you can get out of any sort of lake or pool  is in slow motion.

Quantity of inspiration for any writing I do is directly proportional to the amount of time spent staring blankly at the ceiling.

Browsing iTunes this morning I noticed an ad: 69 cent love songs just added. Really iTunes? REALLY? Way to keep it classy.

I could say Valentine’s Day is a holiday invented and perpetuated by the greeting card and candy companies to turn a profit, but then I would sound lonely and bitter.  So I better not.

I thought about making a shirt that says SINGLE, but I figure the fact that I blog and play Minecraft daily illustrates that just as well.

Suburbia can be a rough place. And you're right, nobody understands you.

Try new Bacon flavored water! All the fun of water with none of the artery clogging goodness of Bacon!

Watch Jurassic Park and Rat Race.... Then this will be funny.

^ Found this video today from Rymdreglage/Ninja Moped, the guys who made 8-bit trip, my mind is once again blown. ^

It’s the weekend,

-Andrew

Tuesday Number Two

Snow days are like black holes of productivity.  So when a snow day falls in the middle of the week, it’s just like that day didn’t happen and I’m repeating the day before.  Just to ah, explain that title. Yeahh.  MOVING ON.

They fixed the heater in my dorm (read post from Monday.) by turning it off.  Now it’s cold and it smells like, wait, I can’t smell anything, the snot is frozen in my nose.  Where are my damn jazzercise club and sex-having neighbors when I need them?

I ate 9 Oatmeal Creme Pies today, beat that! Wait….

Some potential future blogs:

Dating Advice From a  Single, Shy, and Nerdy Guy With Limited Dating Experience

Andrew Summarizes The Oscar Nominees He Hasn’t Seen; Refers to Himself in the Third Person

10 Ways to Exert Minimal Effort and Look Like,  Smart

I decided I should wash my dishes after the contents one of my bowls offered to write my blog for me.  It didn’t look very funny.

That better be soap on the mirror guys….

My most embarrassing moment?  One time whilst wearing roller skates I accidentally ended up in the women’s bathroom at the skating rink.  I can’t skate.

Does anyone actually use that hole in the front of boxers? I don’t want to go into detail here, but come on, is their function really something that couldn’t be accomplished without them? For me they just exponentially increase the odds of a boxer-clad wardrobe malfunction.

Sample multiple choice question from every teacher-made exam:

Word problem with names that illustrate my love of cultural diversity (do you really know someone with that many consonants in their name?).

A.) At first glance it looks like this could be the answer.

B.) The answer is probably B.

C.) The answer is probably C.

D.) I’m a total smartass.

Is there anything wrong with loving Firework but not having the stones to buy it on iTunes? Don’t give me that, Katy Perry is ridiculously attractive and you know it.  I would totally risk the burns to get to that whipped cream…. (too far?)

See? they're not the same person. Also, hello ladies.... ;)

And she totally looks like my favorite actress Zooey Deschanel. Ironic that I'm in love with both of them?

I swear I have a little  “The Sims” style pee bar above my head that the cleaning lady looks at to decide when she should clean the bathroom.  ALWAYS WHEN IT’S FULL.

You can keep your coffee shops, Toms, Macboks, and ironic flannel, I blog like an AMERICAN. Alone in a dark dorm room on a desktop.

You’ve probably stopped reading by now,

-Andrew

P.S. If there is one of those 3 potential blog posts up there that you’d like to see me write, let me know and I’ll write it.  Because you’re probably the only person reading this.

What’s on my mind today? MODERNFAMILY. Watch it. Tonight.

I’ve discovered there is a very fine line between sexily mysterious and creepy.

I enjoy long, dramatically reflective showers.

It’s snowing and sunny at the same time, so the snowflakes look like glitter.  It’s like I won the Super Bowl of Cold as Balls. That or a really big stripper party in the sky just went either horribly awry or REALLY well.  I’ll know if it starts raining singles next.

I’m braindead today.  Some lawlworthy pictures to supplement my lack of content:

Probably about basketball and easily changing light bulbs.

Wondercat uses her invisible bike to save the living room from not-coolness.

He so would, don't give me that.

A screenshot from Star Wars Episode 3.5: The Poking Menace

AAAWWWWWWRH!!!!!1!! XD XD XD

Um, yeah.

Sorry about that,

-Andrew

[No explanation here.]

They say quantum physics is only a theory, but the Del Monte fruit company has been using quantum physics for years.  No matter how or where you open a fruit cup, 60% of the juice ends up on your crotch. My only explanation? WORM HOLES.

Opening a fruit cup opens a portal straight to your crotch, be careful.

My Econ professor today said that it’s impossible to truly quantify happiness and put it on a graph.   I say that’s false.  For me, just stick a topographical map of Candy Mountain on graph paper. Happiness.

God, I think somebody set the thermostat for my floor to tropical rainforest.  Or else the OSU jazzercise club meets in my room daily, at whenever I’m not there o-clock.  It’s hot, humid, and smells like instant lunch and conception. Welcome to Parker Hall.

Style points are everything.

If anyone was wondering, ARomDoms is a cute shortening of Andrew Romans dominates, and it rhymes with “.com”  so yeah.  Nothing kinky, you freak. Just to clear that up.

My writing process? Ready, publish, proofread. Oops.

This will surely affect the inheritance.

That awkward moment when a random old person or relative you forgot to hide your Facebook statii from comments on your status about the inappropriateness of it.  Sir Joseph Buzzkillington III commented on your status: “I find your utter lack of morals disturbing, and shall henceforth begin a discussion of the importance of moral and fiscal conservatism on the world wide web.”

So far the biggest question in College has been, “how long can I use this before I have to wash it?” The answer? You don’t want to know.  A long time.

Here’s hoping I survive the third blizzard in Oklahoma history tonight,

-Andrew

P.S. Feedback about what you like and don’t like in my blog posts is greatly appreciated! Especially the stuff you like…. It’ll help me figure out a theme or general blog niche to fit in.  Unless it’s fine just the way it is, in which case, awesome.

Monday.

My test fatigued brain is currently unable to muster the effort required to produce even the simplest of transitions between thoughts. The following will be an experiment in stream of consciousness blogging. Otherwise known as a complete waste of time, but I don’t want to skip a day.

The ground is covered in dirty slushie that gets in my shoes when I walk anywhere. We’re expected to get another blizzard this week, at least it’ll be clean slushie in my shoes now. 

I once clicked on one of those obviously fake dating sites in a Facebook advertisement.  I swear I’m not into Hot Christian Singles with photo-shopped boobs in tiny white t-shirts. Unless they’re into me.. in which case, praise Jesus and the push up bra.

OSU requires all freshmen to purchase a meal plan, which can be spent at any on campus dining location.  Based on the number of times I go to the convenience store exclusively for candy (many many times), mine is less of a meal plan and more of a candy plan.  Helloooo diabetes.

To the cute girl I saw on my way to class today, “hey.”

I shamelessly fix my hair in every mirror, window, and slightly reflective object I come across.

 

I’ve got homework to do,

-Andrew