Going on a big Valentine’s Day date with a beautiful girl tonight? The following are a few entirely true and very useful tips to use on your Valentine’s Day date!  This one is ironically dedicated to all my fellow singles out there.
(not in any particular order)
1.) Make your date feel special.
Check out other girls on your date.  You’ll make her feel special by mentally comparing her to the other women you see.  Hey, you’re not on a date with them even though you could be if you wanted to!
2.) Arrive fashionably late.
At least 20 minutes, the suspense will make her want you more.
3.) Be spontaneous.
Girls are embarrassed by elaborate, thoughtful gifts and love letters.  She’ll enjoy the spontaneity and simplicity of your “Happy Valentines Day!” hastily scribbled on a napkin under the table.  You don’t have a pen? You can always just write it in barbecue sauce, and it’ll be that much more special. 

I used a marker, but anything works really. She'll be wooed your spontaneity and improvisational skills. .

4.) Dress down.
Women get self conscious around people who are better dressed than they are.  You can avoid that blow to her self-esteem by dressing down.  Your pizza-stained sweats and baggy Motley Crue t-shirt will have her feeling like a princess.
5.) Be honest.
That dress DOES make your ass look huge.
6.) Smell like a winner.
Don’t shower or wear deodorant.  PHEROMONES. It’s a scientific fact that you’ll do it like cave people later.
7.) Nobody likes awkward silence.
To avoid this, you should never stop talking about yourself.
8.) Be safe!
Have your mom drive you.  Who knows if you’ll be drinking or not, so it’s better to be safe than sorry! She can make sure everything goes alright from the adjacent table too. Besides, what’s more romantic than having a chauffeur?
9.) Showcase your talent.
Not your boring talent, like singing or guitar playing, chances are she’s already seen them.  No, show her a unique talent.  Can you make hilarious farting noises with your hands? She’ll laugh till she cries! Can you burp the alphabet? Show her! Can you eat an entire hamburger in two bites? Prove it! Can you do a mean truffle shuffle? Do at the table! She’ll love that she has such a uniquely talented date.
10.)Break the ice.
Mention my blog.  Everybody who’s anybody reads it, so it’ll be a good conversation starter.  Make sure to mention my quirky, yet sensitive sense of humor.  Girls also like to talk about attractive men, so it couldn’t hurt to bring a picture of me either.
Sentimental on the inside, yet sarcastically yours,
-Andrew
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