I’ve been pretending to be a smart person for years, and in the process I’ve learned some things.  The following are some simple, easy-t0-use tips to fool your teachers and acquaintances into thinking you’re more intelligent than you are! (Not necessarily in order of importance.)

1o.) Use statistics as often as possible.

67% of statistics are made up anyway.  No one is going to bother to check on your facts, so throw down those numbers like you’re an almanac.

9.) Keep your mouth shut.

If in doubt about using a statistic, you can’t look stupid if you don’t say anything. Something that helps this illusion is if you unfocus your eyes and sort of stare into the distance, as if you’re lost in deep thought.

8.) Carry a book around.

Not a textbook, not Twilight, but a book book that you’re supposedly reading purely for pleasure.  Maybe something from the realm of Literature (italics denote sophistication). You may want to read spoilers on the internet in case someone tries to discuss it with you, but you can always just make an abstract comment about the character development or the diction.

7.) Go to a respected News Source (the New York Times, The Washington Post, etc.) and read some headlines.

Knowing that something happened is more important than knowing why or how it happened.

6.) Go to coffee shops.

Bring your laptop.  Be seen.  Disguise the fact that you’re actually on Facebook.

6.5.) Drink coffee.

Smart people drink coffee, right? But don’t put a bunch of crap in it, smart people are mature enough to enjoy the flavor of coffee black.

5.) Laugh at jokes you don’t understand.

One atom says to the other, “I think I lost an electron!” The other says “Are you sure?” “Yes! I’m positive!”  Laugh, it’s a chemistry joke.

4.) Mention quantum physics.

The context doesn’t matter, it’s too complex for anyone except quantum physicists to really carry on a conversation about. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quantum_physics

3.) Wikipedia is your friend.

Forget what slanderous things your teachers have told you about Wikipedia, it’s correct 100% of the time, 85% of the time.  But seriously, Wikipedia has information about anything you could ever possibly want to know.

2.) Wear glasses.

Not 3D glasses, you damn hipster.

1.) Talk loudly and often about the things you know, and shut up about the things you don’t (activate your cloaking device if you have one).

Simple and effective, this one comes in handy all the time, and I can personally guarantee it’s effectiveness.

Exhibit A. Wait a minute.... I've, I've discovered their secret.... OH DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE I BECOME?!?

Pseudo-intelligently yours,

-Andrew

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